Inazuma finally finds a period of peace long enough for Raiden Shogun to go on vacation, but as usurpers are harder to kill than cockroaches, the throne isn’t left empty long before a familiar face comes back - and she’s bringing hell with her.
This story is being uploaded to my Blogger for archival purposes. It was originally posted to my DeviantArt on September 14, 2023.
First things first, MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING: This story contains extensive and recurrent mentions of the ending of the Inazuman storyline of Genshin Impact. Reader discretion is HEAVILY advised, and it is STRONGLY recommended to have full knowledge of the canon story up to the end of Chapter 2, Act 3 as prerequisite material.
Secondly, and more importantly, THIS STORY IS NOT MINE! Or at least, not entirely. It was actually commissioned this past September from CrookedIsStrange, though I did make some pretty extensive edits to strengthen the narrative and add further exposition, context, and fun little gags in the dialogue on the part of every single character featured in it. Crooked has given me express permission to share it here on ArchiveOfOurOwn, and in accordance with their being the one who wrote the majority of it to start with, it is entirely unchanged from the original DeviantArt upload on their gallery. This fic was very much an odd duck among the stories they prefer to write personally, but if you do find you've enjoyed it upon finishing it, I highly recommend checking out and supporting the rest of their work by clicking or tapping the link above to their dA page! You'll need to have an account there and to of course be of legal age to read almost all of it since it's mature content, of course, but other than that, you'd do well to check out Crooked's work if you enjoy embarrassed nude women, spanking, and wedgies especially!
In no small part thanks to my own contributions, this story came out more or less absolutely perfectly for my own very subjective tastes, and I couldn't be happier with the final commissioned product. The only thing missing is the involvement of my personal favorite Genshin girl, Ganyu, but since she's from Liyue, her absence was sadly unavoidable. If you wanted to see her own gloriously thicc full moons falling victim to tons of slapstick injury, though, worry not - I'm already making plans for a separate hotbuns fic with her as the primary (and only) victim! I still have a lot of prepaid commissions to get through before then, of course, but I can promise here and now that if Teyvat's cutest Cocogoat thought she was safe from my canon-soiling depravity, she'd be VERY sadly mistaken. ;P
Genshin Impact and all characters and properties mentioned (c) Hoyoverse
Original post on DeviantArt:
Genshin Impact: Witch with a Capital B (COMM)
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Eternity was too long to go without a day off. Raiden was skeptical: it’d be the first time Inazuma’s shogun went on vacation… literally. In the history of history, the godly gal woke up thinking about preserving the timeless integrity of her nation and went to bed on that same, dull note. Only once the Traveller had fanned away her dreams of keeping her citizens under permanent obsolescence did she start thinking about kicking her feet up.
Shimmering, blue lagoons, gorgeous views from the mountaintops and reservations for Yun Jin’s ‘dinner and a show,’ ‘send us a postcard from Liyue!’ The Traveler even helped her pack. In all ways that matter, she had her to thank for such a peaceful transition of power.
The days that had followed had been largely uneventful. It was business as usual, and business was booming now that the archipelago had been allowed to open up to the rest of the world once more. If anything, the Traveler’s assistance had enabled it to thrive more than ever! So it was that time flew by as it is wont to do, and before long, it was a mere three days before the shogun’s return. All of Inazuma City had pitched in for a massive welcome-back ceremony, for which the final preparations were currently underway, and excitement was running high. Who knew what gifts and new insights Raiden would bring back from Liyue to share with her people for the first time in over a millennium?
And, for that matter… What, if anything, could possibly go wrong?
---
“Ah, like taking sunsettias from a fairy.”
SLAM! The doors barged open to the empty throne room. The new shogun wasn’t introduced with ceremonies or flowers, and even though she was now but a shadow of what she had been mere weeks ago, that mattered little. “Halt!” The tips of various blades dared her to take another step forward. “The shogun’s quarters are off-limits to visitors until her return.” Of the two guards, the first was equipped with traditional samurai armor and a deadly katana to match.
The other showed up to guard duty in just a white/purple kimono, and one too small to keep the curve of her thighs from surfacing from the sides. She didn’t boast half as long a blade in her puny-looking handheld fan, but the crackle of static electricity dared anyone to try and underestimate her…
“Yes! Leave before you’re bea’uhhh…” The threats trailed right off her lips the minute she saw that ridiculous black headpiece towering above her porcelain skin. Chills ran down the guard’s spine just from one look at those trailing, red robes, and it wasn’t even the fault of an ice delusion.
“The Crimson Witch… you’re back?!”
The invader cast her golden locks behind her head and proved her ill-intentions with a devious cackle. It had been a mere two months since she had clashed with the Traveler in their fated duel before the shogun herself, but just like that, her once-glamorous life had been completely ruined because of it. Sure, there were a number of pleasant memories from that occasion — her two favorite ones were the sight of that stupid blonde bimbo from who knew where writhing in agony while stuck atop an icicle spike, its honed tip having skewered her betwixt her lower cheeks, and her pitiful screams of panicked anguish as she ran around desperately, trying to pat out the brilliant flames raging from that same wounded backside as she desperately tried to dodge a hail of meteors the former Harbinger had summoned to smite her by fire. But the recollection that was the freshest in her mind was the horrible sight of Raiden’s electrified blade, drawn and ready to char her to ash as the shogun had advanced upon her. Overcome by mortal fear, she had managed to summon what little strength she had left — not to face execution, but to flee for her life, blowing past the stunned Traveler and out the doors without caring for what would come next.
For that act of cowardice, the other Harbingers had cast her aside like garbage. Even Tartaglia had been disgusted, and while she didn’t know how Scaramouche would’ve felt had he been there, it was unlikely that he’d have been sympathetic to her, either. But despite the rest of them cutting ties with her, a good portion of their forces were still in solidarity with her for one reason or another, and they had broken away from the Fatui to serve her still. Her new ambition would be to start her own force of worldly subjugation. Where better to start than the place where she had almost met her fate? And what better time to do so than while the throne was empty… and thus, as far as she was concerned, free for the taking?
“Well, well, Sara, was it? The shogun trusted her throne’s protection to those Kujou dogs?” Her wicked smile spread from ear-to-ear. “Perhaps she felt due for an extended vacation… this one, indefinite!”
At the raise of her arm, a lashing whip of red-hot fire was cast along the ground beside her with its tips aimed straight for the fellow Kujou clanmen. “Gah!” He held his katana up to block the blow, but his metal blade couldn’t take the heat. His weapon overcome by fire, he dropped his blade to the ground, just in time for Signora to swat him aside like an insect. “Huh?!” He hit the wall of the shogun’s throne room and crumpled to the ground, unconscious.
“Onii-san!” Sara gasped. She sheathed the fan blade and opted for the longbow strapped to her back. By the time she could equip an arrow, the whip had come cracking down on the floor right where she was once standing. Darkness enveloped her body and resurfaced her to the right, safely out of harm’s way.
A beam of pure light headed directly for Signora, but with just a wave of her hand, she dissipated it into a cloud of chilling frost. “Glory to the shogun!” Airborne, Sara wound back a triple-shot from her bow and let all three beams rain down on Signora. She dipped backward, ready to dodge the blow to follow — but Signora didn’t fire her next spell toward Sara.
A blast of icey, cold energy turned the floor beneath Sara into an ice-skating rink, and she hit the ground with too much momentum. “Woah! Im-possible?!” she cried as she fumbled across the ice like a baby deer.
“Give it up, Kujou, you look foolish!” Signora howled, and took a crack of the whip to the ice floor she’d just frozen over. The surface split into smithereens, casting Sara off her knees until she was personally delivered, right to Signora’s feet.
“Unnnhhhh…” Too dizzy to shake herself off in time, Signora’s shadow cast over Sara’s fallen body. “Perfect.” She smirked. “My subjects are already bowing at my feet.”
She gave Sara just enough time to recoup with her thoughts, and by then, it was too late. “No!” She scampered for her bow, just for Signora’s boot to pin it to the floor. She stepped over Sara and caught her by the kimono on the way. Sara’s dress lifted up and her ass spilled out, framed between bikini-cut black panties, and yanked on her like a leash. “Hey!” Pulled back, she hit the ground ass-first, introducing her exposed under curves to the cold kiss of solid ice.
The woman was built for battle, but her butt wasn’t as thick-skinned as the rest of her. “BrrRRRR!” She went blue in the face, all while Signora slid across her own ice-floor as elegant as a figure-skater. The shogun’s throne was indulgent, really. Two sets of stairs to get to the top, neither of which felt good being dragged up by the seat of her skirt. “WuhhOOF, wuhhhOOF, wuhhhOOF!” Every step, Sara was dragged along, slamming her ass right into the steep edges, from one staircase to the next.
“Oof! Wuhhhoof! Wuhhh-OOF!”
By the time they’d reached the top, and her dress was finally dropped, Sara didn’t have half a mind to jump up and zap the throne invader while she had the chance. Priority one was clutching onto her flattened cheeks to try and massage the dough back out into the perfect buns they once were. She could do whatever she wanted — Signora had her eyes on a bigger prize.
“Oh, this will do nicely…” A glimmer in her eye as she approached the empty throne. It’d been since last eternity that anyone’s arse had felt Raiden’s ghost-cheeks upon that velvet cushion. Signora’s rump was just the right size to fill her place. After months spent in hiding, finally, she could take back what she deserved…
“Awww….” Oh, right, and her. Signora’s brow lifted, just as Sara pulled herself off the ground and re-equipped her fan blade. “D-don’t you sully the shogun’s royal throne with your devious behind!”
Well, Signora thought, if she’s going to be taking over the joint, she might as well open with a display of force. Since Sara was so kind as to extend her wrist toward her, Signora took her offer and grabbed it herself. The immediate realization of what kind of trouble she was in dawned on Sara in split seconds. “Um—”
“Come here, tengu brat!” Sara’s feet slipped right from underneath her, and she was cast across the royal armrests. “Ah!” Her boots nearly skid onto part of the throne, but thankfully, she kept her legs flexed outward — anything to keep dirt off of the shogunate seat.
Signora didn’t even have to pull Sara’s kimono out of the way. With her back arched and her butt upright, the drapes drifted to sit by her side and put her sore tushy out in the open by default. All the better for what she had planned, once her gloved hand loomed over her head.
“How’s this for ‘divine punishment?!’” SSSMACK!
She held back nothing, even for the first blow. Her palm rapped off of Sara’s butt like a skipping stone, faster than the human eye. Such a jolt of sharp pain was a fresh kind of sting for Sara, after the bludgeoning she took from the stairs, and she reacted appropriately. “HuUUUH?!” She shot upright like a cat with a crushed tail. Her instinctive escape-attempt was short-lived: Signora’s arm curled over her back and kept her well-secured over the Fair Lady’s lap.
CLAP! So much open space in the Shogun’s quarters let the sound carry that much better, so every spank landed like a thunderclap. “EEYAHHH!” Sara squealed aloud. Her butt curved upward and her knees tucked in, but elevating her ass just shortened the travel time from Signora’s palm to the flat of her ass. POW! Another hot, red handprint decorated Sara’s asscheeks.
Her panties were starting to naturally wedge into the crease of her cheeks, all the more bare skin for Signora to plunge her jagged fingers into. The way her chub molded around the Fair Lady’s fingers had Sara squirming in her own skin. “Ngyahh! Whatever you’re planning, I will overcooome!”
Sara wasn’t one to go down without a fight. With Signora’s arm pinning her over top, she had little option but to use her fingers and dig into her ivory thighs. Signora bit her teeth: it wasn’t enough to get a scream out of her. Of course, Signora needed that slip of the tongue capped, lest she let her new guard get any bright ideas about how to talk to their new master. RRRAP! “EYUHHH…” Such a dull, brief pain, but it was beginning to add together.
“You can’t stop what I’m planning.” Signora’s low, sultry chuckle could’ve sprouted goosebumps on the toughest Gunnhildr clan elders. “I’ve already won!” It was up to Sara to keep her ears peeled for her villainous monologue: she wasn’t stopping long enough to make sure she could hear.
WHACK! THWACK! WHAM! “Ah, ah, owww!”
While Signora played her own drum solo onto Sara’s bouncing buttcheeks, she explained, “Soon, the Fatui will send their numbers to replace fodder like the Kujou.” She gave Sara a breather, just long enough to rest her wrist upon the arch of her buttcheek. Her fingers drifted over the top of Sara’s behind, where she tapped them in a line, from pinky to thumb. Every little poke and prod just flared up the phantom pains of her spanking this far, and Sara was squirming.
“Unless you’d like to join me? Abandon the despotic rule of the old gods?”
Even with her butt on the line, the thought didn’t even cross Sara’s mind. “I’d rather burn.”
In hindsight, it was her fault for the choice of words. She knew she’d made a mistake when an incandescent glow lit up their corner of the room: Signora’s spanking hand just erupted into a column of magic fire. The Crimson Witch of Embers didn’t even flinch.
“That can be arranged.”
The tips of her individual flares nearly touched the ceiling, and Sara knew she had to escape, fast. She started to kick like (some kind of four-legged animal you could ride, perhaps), but La Signora had the high ground. With Sara pinned, she could only watch with dread as the approaching light enveloped her backside-
SSSMACK! Fwish! “YEEEOOOUUUCH!”
Just one red, hot spank had left grill marks on Sara’s rump. Her panties caught the sparks and started to fizzle away. Holes tore in her underwear just as Signora wound herself up for another swing. The sparks followed her hand artfully, all for another swift spank. WHAM! Fizzzz…
“OWWW-WWW!” Sara howled loud enough for the neighbors across the dark sea to hear her. The second blow practically evaporated Sara’s panties. Signora’s palm was landing like a cattle-brand, and she’d already seared two deep-red handprints onto Sara’s behind. “Hahaha!” Signora was addicted. Not that embarrassing Sara was even anything new to her — but this kind of power was what she’d spent so long dreaming of.
Poor Sara was subject to a rapid-fire round of fast-paced, fiery pummeling with no outing until Signora got bored. ZZZAP! Crack! “HIYAAAA!” “Yell it aloud, until all of the nation can hear you!” Signora beamed from ear-to-ear. “The age of the Fair Lady has come to Inazuma!”
By the time the rest of the Kujou clan had come to save Sara, they didn’t realize they were walking right into Signora’s trap. Ambushed, the guards were locked away in the dungeon, and Fatui conquered the island in a matter of hours.
Word spread across the seas. The question on everyone’s mouth was: where is our Archon, now?
---
The steps to the throne room glisten with silver snowflakes.
“Hm?” Guards were beginning to notice. A rabbit trail crawled along the ground, putting a shining streak along the floor as it tunneled closer to the new Shogun. Signora sat up from her throne. “What is it?”
Other guards lent their spears to threaten the burrowing freeze until it came to a halt. One guard got the bright idea to prod it with his spear. Lo and behold, the ice did not bleed.
Tick, tick, boom.
An eruption of frosty magic captured all four guards around her in chunks of solid ice. They slid away from her to separate corners of the room, providing the gal some space while she emerged from her frozen cocoon.
That’s an entrance worthy of Signora’s attention. She perched up her brow whilst the warrior within drew her blade, a platinum sword almost as long as she was tall.
“Here comes trouble!” La Signora’s hand erupted into flame as from the mist came a girl pretty enough to be a doll on her shelf. Her navy dress and pastel sapphire hair, plus those adoring cobalt eyes as the cherry on top.
“Now, what do I do with you?”
“Lady Signora…” The doll spoke, it seemed. “I am Ayaka. On behalf of the Kamisato clan, I cannot let your coup go on without challenge.” The gleam of her sword promised a fun fight. Signora braced herself…
All that hype, just for Ayaka to swing her blade left and have its energy shrink into the stout, square shape of a hard-cover book. “War will come, but I am here to discuss the sanctioned burning of Yae Publishing!”
Signora’s interest drained in an instant. “Yae Publishing?” She fanned a yawn. No swords, no audience with the shogun. “Are you talking about Yae Miko? Yes, I must’ve sent smoke signals to the Liyue harbor with the fires I lit under her foxy tail.” She could picture it still: such a composed woman like Yae Miko, running through town like a scared rabbit, hands clung to her scorched behind while fires singed the hair off her cheeks.
Ayaka shook her head. “This is not about Guunji Yae!” Framing her book between both her hands, she held it up for Signora to see the cover. ‘LEGEND OF SWORD, Chronicles VI.’ “Smoke clogs the sky with the literature your troops burn in piles!” Ayaka pleaded. “What am I to read if every Legends of Sword: Chronicles seven is incinerated?”
‘Disappointed’ didn’t cut it, the new shogun looked about ready to drift off in her sleep. “Books?…” She growled like a dragon ready to strike. “You intruded my castle and froze my guard to complain about… books?!”
Ayaka nodded. “I understand your disbelief, but I assure you literature is-!” Signora never got to hear just what ‘literature was’ — before Ayaka got the chance to explain, the ground in front of her erupted with a splash of liquid nitrogen. “Ah!” She kept her face safe, but she was a little more comfortable on the slopes than Sara was. It was her outfit that left her all the more open.
“Greekling!” The ice betrayed Ayaka, and a jagged spike shot from the floor and grazed through the cleft of her buttcheeks. Straight up the skirt, a stalagmite of solid ice grazed straight past her legs and snatched its tip right onto the waistband of Ayana’s underwear. She — mind the term — froze.
SHRIIIP! “KyYYAHHHH!”
Such a proper babydoll, Ayaka’s underwear was solid white with a lacy pattern that felt all the more rigid going up the backside. Her leg holes and waistband were decorated with baby blue lining fitting for the ice chick, and the cherry on top — two little, blue ribbons decorating the front.
Today, the mascot of the Kamisato clan played the part of the shogun’s entertainment. “Ahahaha!” Signora smacked her knee. “AHAHAha! This is how we treat Athenians in my Inazuma!”
Ayaka’s pajama-soft panties had turned into a razor blade sharp enough to slice between her ivory asscheeks and sharpen their knife’s edge along her inner crack. “T-this is unbecoming of a shoguuun!” Her lips puckered up and her eyes nearly crossed over. Her legs crossed together, and her hands held onto the future generation of Kamisato warriors.
“You lecture me on being a leader?” Signora’s eyes flashed with mischief. She lifted a mere finger off of the armrest of her throne, and from up high, cast a ball of fire down the stairs only inches from where Ayaka was left out to dry. The heron would be fine: it’s the Legend of Sword that didn’t survive.
Fire danced in Ayaka’s eyes as she watched her beloved fantasy novel go up in smoke. “NO!” She squealed. Her hands freed to try and grasp out at the embers like she had even a vain hope of saving them — all she accomplished was sinking more of her weight onto her groin. “Unhhhh!”
The ice melted beneath what was left of Ayaka’s beloved book, leaving only a puddle in its wake. “You forget I have lived for centuries.” Signora giggled. “For many of them, the Kamisato clan have famously been known as losers!” The open fire was like an oven, and the icicle Ayaka hung from was starting to feel the heat.
She took notice when its rigid figure began to buckle under her weight. “Ehhh?!” The icicle had bent itself into the shape of an upright fish hook — seizing her opportunity, Ayaka kicked her feet trying to break free.
Nice try, says Signora, who with just a flick of her finger, erupted another blast of ice strong enough to snuff out the flames — and also hardened the icicle to twice its original size. Shhwwip! The icicle snapped back into upward position, then expanded to totally fling Ayaka off the floor. Her panties, although impressively hardy, were fighting to stay in one piece. The noises weren’t of any comfort: SHRRIIIIIP!
Ayaka’s lips loosened up and she belted it across the entire throne room: “ONII-CHAAAN!” Tears, suspended in mid-air from how fast she whipped backward, fell to the floor and froze solid in an instant. Ayaka’s ass smashed straight onto the icicle, who was hardy enough to tank the blow — yet thin enough that her asscheeks practically swallowed the stem like a big hug.
The combination of razor-sharp cotton piercing her asshole and solid ice to chill her inner wall to the core was enough to make Ayaka squeal for mercy. “I’m sorry! I’m SORRYYY!”
“Is the Kamisato head falling to a simple wedgie?” Signora teased from her high horse. “We’ll have to see what your brother says about this!” Ayaka was holding herself completely upright, her eyes too heavy with tears to even look Signora onward as she begged. “No! He cannot hear about this…”
Only another evil piece in Signora’s puzzle, “Hear about this?” She scoffed. “I think he’ll see it for himself!” Ayaka’s heart skipped a beat. That was enough to pry her eyes open, shed loose the tears to see if the Fair Lady was bluffing. Another stroke of her finger delivered the order, and in a work of magic, Ayaka felt the icicle underneath her shift backward.
“No…” She whimpered with disbelief. The sly grin upon Signora’s face proved it was all too true. “Give him my regards!” She flicked her wrist and sent the icicle moving backward like a monolith; racing down the steps and aiming for the open doors. “NOOO!” Dragged behind like a flag in the wind, Ayaka’s underwear was a bungee cord bouncing her ice-cold cotton deeper and deeper into her aching crack.
Next stop: Tenshukaku’s Central Area, where that icicle could melt naturally in the sun… and for how long that took, all the better to spread the word of just how Signora was going to handle aesthetes in New Inazuma.
“‘Legend of Sword.’ Hmf.” Signora chuckled to herself. “Who comes up with this filth?”
---
“KYAHHHH!”
Don’t get in the way of the woman charging out the shogun’s front door. It’s not just because the blondie was on a demolition derby for any poor guard that got in her way: her shortened kimono was being kept perched over her waist, the bridge of her white tanga pulled aside and a trail of fiery sparks spitting behind her.
“Clear the way! Clear the wayyy!” A phallic-shaped rocket had been buggered into the poor girl’s butthole, whether there was room for it or not, and the poor thing had seconds to count before that firework exploded right up her ass.
Rest assured, for one side-stepper on her path to see the new shogun, this was not a good sign.
“Lady Signora, your next appointment is here to speak with you.” An escort made the way. “I hope this one has concerns more worth my time!” The cold witch scoffed. “Coming to me, mad that I’m confiscating fireworks. They are weapons! Who needs a ‘summer festival?!’”
Tassels, like butterfly wings, drifted behind Signora’s 3’o’clock, tying into a cosmic ensemble of a dark blue coat over silver tights with thigh gaps included. She held her head up high, even when the bags beneath her eyes tried to drag her down. She bowed on one knee.
La Signora sat up on her throne. “Finally,” she smiled, “Someone with some respect.”
“Ahh… I, Kokomi, come on on behalf of the Sangonomiya clan.” The girl deviated from the traditional genuflect just to stretch her arms over her head. “Ahh. I-“
“Oh, yes, yes, of course! The latest Sangonomiya girl… You came to talk to me about my announcement of the annexation of your territory, am I right?”
Kokomi blinked in shock. “That was not detailed in the letter you sent me!”
Signora tilted her head in curiosity. “Oh. You mean the one that came with my peace offering to you?”
“An offering I never asked for. All that was said in your letter was that I was to see you post-haste, and that I was required to wear the perfume that came with it to the appointment. Are you suggesting that you’ve already chosen to evict us from our homeland? Without even asking for permission?!”
The shogun laughed disdainfully. “You would’ve refused regardless. But let it be known, you little pest, that I am the shogun here, and I will do with this nation and all of its people AS I SEE FIT!!!” A pillar of fire erupted from her fist as she pounded it against the arm of the throne, blackening the ceiling and making the pink-haired girl reel back a little in stark horror.
Signora directed her up, then demanded to see a twirl. “On that note, I tire of your pathetic wheedling. How about a nice performance instead? Go on, dance for me!”
Crickets. Kokomi cleared her throat. “You cannot be serious right now…” She paused, just long enough to fan a yawn. “I came to offer a collaboration, not anything as barbaric as this. My people were already at unease under Raiden’s rule, so I had hoped you would at least consider—”
Signora’s upturned palm told Kokomi to shut up. “A face too pretty for politics. Dance for me, then I’ll decide what to do about your clan.”
Now, she was beginning to lose her patience. Kokomi rose from the floor. “Shogun, I stress that this is no time for entertainment!” But Signora certainly didn’t look stressed — she grazed her thumb over her cuticles while Kokomi pleaded. “Losing Yae Publishing will hurt our economy, and we need to act before you destroy our nation in a day’s work!”
Kokomi put her foot down. The floor behind her burst open, and a bubbling hot geyser erupted from inside the gap. Guards were quick to turn spears on her, but she held her ground, challenging the shogun from two levels down.
And even after all that, Signora still didn’t look so impressed. “So you aren’t going to dance for me?” By now, all Kokomi honored her with was a shake of the head, ‘no.’
“Ah.” Signora waved her off, her eyes gleaming with malice. “If you won't dance for me… I’ll make you dance. Release the hounds.”
Lifting Kokomi’s eyelids was a Herculean feat, but she was caught buggy-eyed while the guards pulled away two panels behind the shogun’s throne. Static electricity crackled from inside the dark. Two sets of purple pupils pierced through, accompanied by a low grumble and several deep sniffing sounds…
Kokomi realized in that moment that whatever was in the cages relied on scent, and sniffed at her own arm. Then it dawned on her: it might not have been coincidental that Signora had either forgotten or not even bothered to label the perfume bottle she’d mailed to her earlier that day.
“No… It can’t be… What kind of—!”
“Inazuma citrus-lavender perfume.” Signora smiled cruelly. “A discontinued product. The combination of flavors caused the beasts of the forests to become rather… well…”
The monsters burst free from their cages, snarling their charcoal-black fangs into the fresh air of freedom. They had the head and paws of a wolf, the spinal column of a snake, and no torso to link these abominations together. Kokomi knew what to call them. “Riftwolves?!” She squealed. “You’re insane!”
It’d been days since their last meal, and the riftwolves saw a pretty piece of meat big enough to fill both their bellies. They roared with primal hunger, and charged through the air for Kokomi as free as fish in the water.
“Thundercraven Rifthounds.” Signora corrected, “Far more endangered.”
In her scamper to escape, Kokomi wouldn’t make it far. Too much overtime set the fatigue in fast, and her feet fumbled out from beneath her. “No!” She hit the ground face first, ass up, with only enough time to look over her shoulder and see the slobber on the approaching mandibles…
CHOMP! All eight teeth had their space to sink jagged tips into the flesh of Kokomi’s booty. Like an overcharged battery, the riftwolf surged with electric spice, pumping every scathing volt right through Kokomi’s behind.
“GYYyyyAAAAaaaAAAAaaaaaAAAaaAAHH!”
Desperate for a chunk of Kokomi’s chub, the riftwolf reared back its head — but it wasn’t getting any protein with its catch. SHRIIIP! “NOOO!” All it had to show for its trouble was a tassel from the seat of Kokomi’s tights. Now the only thing protecting her derriere was a comfortably saggy pair of high rises with pink stripes.
Kokomi only had a couple of seconds to scramble back onto her feet. “Yes! Dance, my pretty!” Signora’s laughter echoed across the whole throne room while the poor priestess set her eyes on a corner column that might save her bottom from becoming mincemeat.
The riftwolves were now fighting over who got the bigger cut over the slice of tights the first had torn off, but it wasn’t long before the second wolf wisely let the first have it. It licked its chops, eyes set on an even better prize…
For how Kokomi’s pert bottom bounced as she ran, she was as good as a moving target. The column was just in reach as the second wolf closed in. “No, no, no-!” The rifthound snapped its jaws centimeters from Kokomi’s cheeks — still close enough to snag something else of hers, instead.
The rifthound whipped its head backward, and even its jagged teeth were no match for stretchy, cotton undies. “YEEEEEAAAHAAAHAAHAAOOUUCH!” Kokomi’s panties were yanked backward to twice their original size, stuffing her crack with fabric. Frustrated, the riftwolf ducked its head downward and took Kokomi’s panties with it. “Nice doggy… nice doggy!” Her holy butt now totally bared, Kokomi clung her arms and legs around the column like her life depended on it. Meanwhile, the riftwolf got violent, yanking his head from left to right trying to shred Kokomi’s panties right off her legs.
While that early bird chewed on cotton, the second mouse had a full moon waiting for its gaping jaws. With the seat of Kokomi’s tights long gone to its belly, the second wolf had an appetite for cake. It flew through the air with a vicious “aWOOOooo!”
“NOOO!” Kokomi shut her eyes tight and braced her butt. No amount of clenching could’ve prepared her for another set of jowls digging in on her left cheek. CHOMP! With curved edges to hook themselves into the dough of Kokomi’s butt, the riftwolf bit down and held on tight. “HYYYAHHHHHH!” Even Signora had to finger her eardrum after Kokomi’s screech. Another blast of high-voltage electricity rocked her body, sparking her hair straight up and leave soot coating the tooth-prints.
The second wolf caught on to the first’s idea. It’d had enough of its appetizer, and let Kokomi’s underwear drop to her knees in a big, stretched-out beavertail. Meanwhile, its fellow riftwolf left plenty of right cheek to spare. Third time’s the charm, it decided. CHOMP!
The war on two fronts was enough to make a grown priestess cry. Somehow, Kokomi found the strength to get to her feet and make herself scarce, but it was already too late to shake off the Riftwolves as they came charging after her. Tears flew from her eyes as, even while throwing the doors open, she felt them catch up to her, tossed her head back, and screamed, “YEEEOOOUUUCHHH!”
“Have a nice life!” the Crimson Witch called out to the departing pink-ette. “Or should I say, death?”
While the screams of the priestess feeling her butt get jump-started by a hundred volts of electricity time after time faded to nothing, Signora had to admit — that was way more entertaining than any dumb dance. “Sangonomiya.” She fanned out three fingers, then let one fold down to make two. “Kamisato.” Another down, just one left: “Kujou.”
Now with a closed fist, she planted it down by her side. “They all pose no challenge. I almost want to weep.” Instead, she’d rather chuckle. Starting from a low, mischievous “Eheh…” to a loud, violent “Aha, AHAHAHA!”
“Is there anybody that can challenge me?!”
---
“Is this a good idea?”
Don’t underestimate the power of bubbles. Just one, the size of a beach ball, was enough to blast open the doors to the Tenshukaku. “I’ve beaten her before, I can beat her again.” The taller of two intruders didn’t seem so worried. Not about her greater ‘plan,’ nor the guards rushing toward her with spears. She raised a hand without even so much as looking at the first and promptly gunned him down with suds.
“She wasn’t the shogun before!” Her little companion, a third her height but hovering mid-air, continued to pester. Her obnoxious voice didn’t seem to grain on her company — she must’ve gotten used to it. “Who knows what she’s gotten into since taking over?!”
The second guard walked right into a bubble as big as he was. Just a gesture of her palm was enough to send him floating away in an aquatic prison, shouting muffled threats that went ignored. “If I can’t beat her, you take the hit while I escape. Deal?” The little fairy’s voice raised several octaves, to a pitch only bats could hear. “WHAT?!”
No more time for distractions: the throne awaits.
“They just let anyone into Tenshukaku, don’t they?” La Signora sighed, with the familiarity of greeting an old friend. “I really need to invest in better guards.”
“Give up your throne, Signora.” Her challenger warned her only once, with the mean end of a blade aimed her direction. “It doesn’t belong to you.”
Signora was amused. “Traveler, I have you to thank for giving it to me.”
The little one whined, “Her name is ‘Lumine!’” But she shushed up when asked. “Not the time, Paimon.”
Although Lumine’s blade presented a challenge, Signora stayed put where she was. She leaned back into the throne and got comfortable, anything to salt the wound. “Taking the throne was so much easier without Raiden here to stop me. After all, an abandoned post is finders’ keepers, per the laws of Fatui harbingers.”
Lumine’s eyes narrowed. “I challenge you to a duel before the throne, to take it back for the almighty shogun, Raiden!”
The duel before the throne: a legal loophole Signora had been defeated by once before. So long as the shogun was present, a duel could be carried out until one contestant had met their bitter end in order to solve complicated disputes. Paimon added a gasp to the anticipation…
“No.”
Lumine blinked. “What?” So Signora repeated, “No. I already have the throne. What do I gain from battling you again?”
That aforementioned ‘plan’ Lumine was so confident in didn’t seem to have an answer for a simple ‘no.’ The Traveller looked properly flustered. “Well—!” She tried to argue. “…per the agreement of our previous duel, you shouldn’t be alive anyway!” Having landed on her ‘checkmate,’ Lumine folded her arms with a smugness about her. “I don’t want to see you die, La Signora, so I can settle if you instead return to hiding and rescind the throne. Per our agreement!”
To further sell Signora on the pitch, Paimon chimed in “Sounds like a steal to me!”
No immediate reaction from the buyer. La Signora sat up. Her hand drifted from the armrest of her throne, to a lever installed at wrist height. Lumine watched as she went. ‘Raiden didn’t have a lever, there…’ ‘Well, Raiden didn’t have a throne, either.’
“I have a feeling you’ll be…” La Signora’s grip closed tight onto the lever. “‘Dropping’ our arrangement!” Ker-chunk! The lever pulled back, and the panels beneath Lumine’s feet separated into a single tile.
It swept the ground out from underneath Lumine, and she dropped like a rock. “AHHHHHHhhhhhh…!”
“Lumine!” Rather awkwardly, that left Paimon hovering in mid-air, exactly where she started. La Signora blinked. “Ah. Guards, seize the little one, I crave barbeque.” “WHAT!”
Meanwhile…
“…hhhHHHHHH-!” SPLASH! The trap door’s hundred-foot-drop ended with a dunk in the underground springs beneath Tenshukaku. ‘Water…’ The traveler let herself drift into the depths of the sinkhole, just long enough to register that she’d survived the fall. After the tides turned from a comfort to a cold, she finally opened her eyes.
There was a beauty to the view. The cool, blue waters, shimmering in the faintest light that snuck in through the cracks of the trap door. That, and the occasional splash of color from pastel reds and golden crests, textured with suckers along snake-like appendages.
Lumine blinked. She wasn’t alone down here. When she opened her mouth to curse their names, all that came out was muffled under the waves. ‘(Ball Octopus. These aren’t local to Inazuma…)’ She smacked her own forehead, which took twice as long underwater. ‘(That jerk had them imported from Fontaine just for this?!)’
Panic settled in, and Lumine reached for the surface of the water. She had a long way to climb, and any motion in the ocean told the octopi exactly where she was. Like a beacon had gone off, every dome in the water turned toward Lumine like heat-seeking missiles and started drifting her way.
‘No, no, no-’ Lumine’s boot kicked one octopus away, but for a single one down, three more had already drifted past her legs. They didn’t seem interested in just any part of the Traveler’s body: these octopi had a taste for dark meat. Kick and flail as she might, Lumine couldn’t fend them all off: a king-sized octopus twirled itself around through the water. A glowing light appeared in front of its body, where it stayed for only a second — and then shot off as a beam of concentrated, boiling water.
SHHHINK! The pressure washer-style jetstream got Lumine screaming, just to shut her up with a huge throatful of water. “MUHHHMMM!” Lumine paused for just a second, giving a second octopus time to latch onto her left cheek with its beak-like mouth. CHOMP! “MHHHMMMUHHHH!”
The range of their tentacles gave the octopi enough width to wrap around the side of Lumine’s thigh, planting their beak right on each cheek while their wingspan curved into the inner wall of her buttcrack on one side, around the side of her thighs with the other. The suckers gave her hickies in places hickies shouldn’t ever appear — good thing they didn’t weigh much, or the number of octopus chomping onto Lumine’s ass could’ve kept her head under the water with any worse luck.
Beaks gnashed into her chubby curves, while the firehose hit with all the sharpness of a swordfish charge, and Lumine’s tears were drifting into the pool. Finally, she bore through the pain just enough to claw her way to the surface of the water…
And once she reached the open air again, she shot out of the depths like a rocket. “KYYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHH!”
Less fortunate octopi shed along the way hit the ground and scooched themselves back toward the water. The more persistent ones kept their beaks clenched tight onto Lumine’s tush, to the bitter end. She hit the ground in a total face-plant, but Lumine got straight to business. Trying to dislodge those octopi beaks from her tush was like taking a knife out of the wound — hurt just as much coming out as it did going in.
“HrrrRRRM—” Lumine gnashed on her own tongue to try and cope through the pain. Octopi dropped like flies, until the last one was brought face-to-face with the woman it’d just taken a bite out of.
She tossed it aside like a wet sock, back to the waters from whence it came. There’s no point in pinning the blame on an octopus — Lumine had bigger fish to fry. No telling where the caves would take her, but she stormed off without a beaten path to follow.
“Damn it all…" she growled as she left. "If only the Raiden Shogun had drawn her sword just a little quicker that day…”
---
Two days under La Signora’s lead, too many. Inazuma was already a shell of its former self. The economy collapsed without Yae Publishing bringing in sales from overseas, tourism was naturally through the floor, and with the Tenryou Commission in shambles with more than half its number imprisoned, incapacitated, or worse, Signora’s guard patrolled the streets from morning to evening. Even with so much blood on their hands, they could never get enough of doing what they loved best… at the cost of just about everyone else. And so they sniffed every corner of Inazuma in search of fresh prey for the slaughter, not to mention keeping watch in case any rebellions were getting ideas… almost.
Every corner except Ritou Road.
“Oh, you poor thing.” A matronly kitsune with coral-colored hair tended to a wounded soldier on a make-shift cot. The cat-eared blondie on the bed had her shorts by her ankles, boasting a tush with scars crossed over her bottom. Her carer spread a healing potion over her abused behind. “I just wanted to drop off her latest shipment of swords.” The poor thing cried, “She had her guards seize me, and tried every one on my butt!”
From the nation’s courier to the guuji of the Grand Narukami Shrine, everyone seemed to have a story about La Signora. Even the criminals, masked among their fellow victims, had an enemy in common. “Running away from them, I fell on a stalagmite that went right up my butt.” She muttered, ashamed. “She waved my arrest warrant just so they would leave me there…”
“She stole my people’s homeland, and sent her riftwolves after me! They tore my clothes to shreds, and my clan and I are now homeless because of her!”
“She spanked me! Me! Like a child!”
“She burned every copy of Legend of Sword…”
The mob was angry, but until they had a direction, there was no easy path to taking out the shogun. Numbers, few, resources, fewer, leadership, none.
Until now. “Attention, everyone!” A few heads turned to honor a face known to most. “I’m sure you’re all as eager as I am to take the throne back from La Signora…”
Kokomi, Sara, Ayaka and Yae all frowned in unison. “You have a plan?” asked the latter.
Lumine nodded. “I do. But I need everyone to play their part, if you want your own chance to get back at her…” She nursed her sore bottom in painful reminiscence. “I, for one, know I do.”
Yae Miko would be the first to ask it. “She hurt you?” Confused, the Traveler nodded. The rest of the camp all exchanged knowing glances, in total agreement of where things had to go from here…
Sara cracked her knuckles. “Just tell us what to do.”
As Lumine outlined her plan to all the rest, she and her cohorts were not the only ones with a score to settle. All across Inazuma, pitchforks were being sharpened and torches lit. It had not been mere panties and booties that had been casualties of Signora’s takeover — the horrible truth was that as her forces had laid waste to every corner of the nation, burning homes and brutalizing innocents, lives had been lost because of her. This was no longer a matter of personal dignity… She had to be stopped on principle.
In short, the archipelago was now a figurative powder keg, and its oppressed, grieving, and absolutely furious population a ticking time bomb.
The women who had proudly guarded this nation, and who had risked their lives and sacrificed their panties in a bid to stop its newfangled tyrant, knew this all too well. And as they took in the information the Traveler had just finished relaying to them, they all had one singular objective.
“With luck, that should be more than enough,” Lumine concluded, “though it’s still best to be prepared for the worst, just to be sure. Still… Who's with me?”
The other girls shouted in unison and solidarity: “FOR INAZUMA, AND FOR OUR DIGNITY!”
Lumine smiled. “For our dignity indeed. This witch with a capital ‘B’ is going down!”
…
…and after a moment, the thought finally occurred to her. “Wait. Where’s Paimon?!”
---
All in a day’s work.
Sure, the economy was collapsing, mythical beast populations were skyrocketing, foreign Allie’s were backing out of trade deals and crime rates were through the roof, but who cares? Signora’s in charge, baby!
It takes guts to make bold moves, like slashing financial aid programs to pour money into her next vacation. Why can’t the poor just make more money?
“My lady, there is a gift for you on the Palace steps, courtesy of the Sangonomiya clan.” Finally, someone who acknowledged her hard work. Signora elegantly licked the last drop of barbecue sauce from lunch off her finger tips and waved the guard at ease. “Ah, an apology, I’m sure. Bring it in.” The guard shook his head; “A signature is required, my lady. The courier refuses to come inside after their last visit.”
“Ugh.” For the first time in two days, La Signora’s rump parted with the throne. “Some people. How do I know if I want the swords if I can’t test them first?” She stretched her legs on the way down. She shoulder-checked the guard on her way out. “Guard the throne. Try to take it, I have you beheaded.”
Natural sunlight, ack! Signora blocked it out while her eyes adjusted. A humble package was on her doorstep, but no courier in sight to take the invitation. Oh well — just like the throne, it’s finders, keepers.
The box opened up to a cute, purple cushion, but without a ring or a tiara to carry. Instead, just a little white note with a warning. “BEHIND YOU!”
The half-warning was all the time she had to register the threat until her shadow weighed onto her back. “What?” Now bent over, the back tassel of her dress was cast out of the way. Her fat ass spilled out, such a sexy dress betrayed by fullback, white cotton undies her assailant gripped with a license to kill.
“WEDGIEEE!” Signora’s waistband reached for the sky. “EEEK! Y-YOUUUU?!” Swallowed between her cheeks, her durable fabric peaked at the curve of her spine with just one pull. The bridge of her underpants grinded into her tailbone as she squealed for mercy…
Snap! Her panties reunited with her waistline like a crisp rubberband. Her dress drifted back into place, although now caught in the knot of her bunched up panties. No time to pick it yet — Signora had fire in her eyes as she turned to face the culprit.
Paimon, meanwhile, was already zooming back towards her companion, with a middle finger pulling at her eyelid to boot. Yanking her panties like that couldn’t have felt more satisfying, she decided. “Come and get us!”
“By the time I’m done with you two,” Signora’s arms both erupted into pillars of flame. “You’ll beg for a merciful execution!”
“Only if you catch us, first!” Lumine called back even as she took to her heels, the fairy still wringing the chafe marks on her freshly untied wrists as she followed at top speed.
Count on someone called ‘the Traveler’ to be good on her feet. By the time Signora’s first threat had been swallowed by the wind, Lumine was already down the steps and making a break for the pink Sakura forests.
“Thank you so much, Traveler!” Lumine’s closest friend took the time to nuzzle her cheek with her own even as they vacated the premises. “Paimon was so sure she’d be stuck cooking for that maniac forever(1)! Your timing couldn't have been more perfect!”
“I thought I'd lost you too,” Lumine replied with a relieved look as she returned the gesture. “I swear on my life, I am never joking about you being backup rations ever again.”
“Hey!”
Lumine chuckled in spite of herself, even as they swooped down the last flight of steps away from the temple. “First things first, though, we've got a despot to give the boot. You with me?”
“Say no more!”
Even as they fled into the surrounding forest like their asses were on fire, Lumine wasted no time giving her comrade the short version of the plan the girls were about to put into action. There was no time to lose, and no room for error. Behind the two of them, the livid shout of the Crimson Witch made the leaves on the trees tremble:
“WHY… YOU… LITTLE… MOTHER… FUCKERS!!!”
Damn near close to billowing smoke from her ears, La Signora wouldn’t let the pair get away that easily. With a cry of “Get back here!”, she began her attempt at a fiery reprisal without hesitation.
Great balls of flames turned patches of grass into campfires at Lumine’s feet. She glided over them, as graceful as a butterfly, casting two bubbles the size of tires behind her to snuff out the forest fires. She leapt, just as another fireball ignited the ground where she stood mere minutes before — and in mid-air, turned herself around to flash another mischievous grin toward her pursuer.
“Your bust must be slowing you down!” she called out.
“You DARE talk to a Shogun like that?!” A wave of fire enveloped the entrance to the cherry blossom forests, and Lumine vanished into a wall of smoke. Signora was never one to worry about a little burn. She shoved through those pillars of smog and approached the open plain with caution…
Lumine was gone. Only a patch of blank grass, the sunlight shimmering through the cotton candy leaves. The beauty of the land should’ve soothed Signora’s nerves, but she was out for blood. She walked out into the grassy plain, eyes peeled for a mischievous Traveler overdue for three sessions over her knee and counting.
“Coward!” She spat onto the ground. “Where are you?”
Meanwhile… “Now.” The drawstring was in position, but don’t try this shot at home. Three arrows were wound back and these weren’t traditional feather-and-flint, either. They shined with an iridescent glow, crackling with electric energy, but this wasn’t a job for high voltage. The woman on the draw had a companion. Kujou Sara had made a friend: a cute blondie with a short, red kimono. THE queen of the summer festival. “Yoimiya, now!”
Her partner held open her palm and summoned forth an open flame. She waved it across all three arrowheads, and the fire spread like the common cold. Now with three fire-tipped arrows, Sara lined up her scope and drew the string, just as Yoimiya squealed “Bombs away!”
The drawstring released, and arrows soared over the forest floor, bringing a warm glow across fields of fauna mere inches from the threat of being burned…
“Come out now, and I may lessen your sentence to only a month of-!” And promptly landed their target: three, jagged edges all sinking into the fat of the new shogun’s doughy behind. THWP-THWP-THWP! La Signora shot up straight. The realization wasn’t immediate: but if the sting of the arrows didn’t wake her up, the crackling fire sure did.
“YAAAAAAHAHAHAOOOWW!” La Signora’s class was completely out the window as she launched five feet off the ground with a tuchus full of fire. The light-base arrows faded away with only three indents in Signora’s ass to remember them by, but the fire kept on burning. The back of Signora’s dress didn’t last five seconds. Burnt to a crisp almost instantly, the new HBIC didn’t look so demanding of respect when she was parading her burning butt through the sakura trees.
“Nice shot!” Yoimiya offered a high five, and Sara took it.
La Signora had practically spanked herself red by the time the fires started to die out. “HOT! HOT! HOT!” She pranced through the woods, leaving a trail of smoke and ashy fabric breadcrumbs behind her. Luckily, as shogun, the Archons watched over her and provided her a much-needed miracle: a big block of ice, right in the middle of the first. She didn’t question it. Anything to get something cold on her scorched behind would do.
A refreshing splash of ice was exactly what the doctor ordered. She spun herself around and planted her cheeks on the surface without a second guess. “Ahhh…” A nice, cold surface to sit on did wonders for the witch’s abused bottom. Now that her panic was coming under control, she could stand to ask the question. “…what’s this block of ice doing here?”
She’d get up to investigate, but the ice had other ideas. Trying to budge herself free didn’t get her a lick of space. “Eh?!” Signora glanced back and confirmed the worst: like a tongue on a pole, her butt was completely stuck to the ice. “Uggghhh!”
Well, if nothing else, it wasn’t the worst problem to have… that is, if the shogun hadn’t made a few enemies in the last couple of days.
Somewhere in the distance, the clamor of Inazuma’s people beginning to take back what was rightfully theirs began to reverberate. Okay, scratch that. A lot of enemies.
“Well, what have we here?!” The words perked Signora’s ears straight up. It was her only warning before she was joined from behind upon on the slab of ice, plenty of room for two: one big-butted shogun with her creme brulee’d underwear exposed for easy marks, and the Kamisato clan mascot she’d ruined the panties of just days before. “What the-?!” Signora had seconds to react before the integrity of her underwear was violated once again.
Ayaka came out of nowhere — and with just one mission. “A ‘greekling?!’ Or is it an ‘Athenian?!’
Karmic retribution was the back of Signora’s waistband once again being shot from the safety of the flat of her back. Ayaka wasn’t so merciful as the Traveler — Signora’s panties weren’t up to the challenge. RIIIP! The seams shredded themselves trying to stick together, and Signora squealed like a newborn baby. “KYAAAHHH!”
“Who’s the ‘loser’ now?!” Ayaka pouted. Picking up where Lumine left off, it was a cakewalk getting Signora’s underwear past her shoulders and even beyond her neck — in fact, they’d even reach over the tip of her scalp.
Signora was practically shaking with rage, but she didn’t demand respect like she used to. “I-INSUBORDINATES!” If it wasn’t enough to feel her panties fasten to her scalp, Ayaka had a parting gift up her sleeve — a wave of her hand, and Signora felt the brainfreeze.
La Signora got the chills. Her fingers dug into her own forehead to try and pry loose her head-high waistband, but the fabric was now infused with frozen fractals. Her cheeks turned hot enough to almost melt that ice, and once more, her fists engulfed in outraged fire!
The shogun threw a tantrum. Ayaka slid out of the way just in time to dodge her infernal fists, slammed into the surface of the ice to incinerate the front face. “Playtime is OVER!” Signora shook with rage as her bottom was freed,
“Oh?” Inquired a gnat in the shogun’s ear. She recognized it without having to look — that Sangonomiya girl who doesn’t dance, whatever. The way she fanned her mouth for a yawn first was a dead give-away. “Then it must be time to eat.” It was the low, guttural growl that accompanied her who had the hairs on the back of La Signora’s neck sticking straight up.
That block of ice wasn’t just bait. It was a cage for a reptilian maw with a set of rocklike fangs. Only his head was free, but that’s all this snapper needed to stretch his neck and take a mouthful of booty.
SNAP! “EEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” Signora was a sitting duck, her ass even arched outward for the gator to take a chomp out of. His blunt-tipped teeth burrowed deep inside Signora’s butt cheek and held on tight. “Get it off, get it off, get it OFF!” Signora tried to make a break for it — and found her feet dangling underneath her. “What?!”
From behind, the Sangonomiya girl has used her hydro magic to encase her in a giant bubble. Meanwhile, Ayaka drew her blade and cleaved straight through that block of ice., as Kokomi ordered “Release the hound!”
Now with a little more wiggle room, the crocodile could lunge. “No-no-no-NOOO!” Signora pleaded, but without her feet on the ground, she had nowhere to run while her glancing blow of a nibble upgraded to a super-sized CHOMP!
“KEE-YAAAAAAH!” That certainly burst the shogun’s bubble — this wasn’t any ordinary croc. With fin-like spines on its back, it made short work of the air pocket, and Signora flopped to the ground with an apex predator latched onto her butt.
She scampered up to her feet like a cartoon dog and took off screaming, just fast enough to shed the crocodile from her ass — at a cost. SHRIIIP! Off tore the back tassel of Signora’s dress, but it was hardly a loss. Her saggy panties had been on parade even before they were latched onto her head.
Meanwhile, Kokomi put her Hydro vision to a better use: whipping up a cup of hot tea for her and Ayaka to share. “Reptile, of course.”
“Ah… yes, it was a full circle moment.”
“I’m impressed you had the creature imported from Sumeru so quickly.”
“How come we’ve never struck up a partnership, hm?”
Fleeing back to the safety of her palace was out of the question. Too many names to execute already, and she hadn’t even found the ones responsible for turning her butt into a pincushion in the first place — she didn’t need anyone else seeing their almighty shogun like this!
The spinocrocodile galloped like a horse with an appetite for ham, but its stubby legs were no good out of the water for keeping up. “Ha!” Signora kissed him goodbye, “I’ll return with my tailors and turn your hide into a purse—!”
Signora’s heel stepped on something jagged. The tall grass hid the booby trap lying inside: tiles, dice and cups perfect for a rousing game of Go, and the bane of many a parent whose child didn’t pick up after themselves. Signora was on the latter side. Her heel turned underneath her, and she toppled over. “-owww!”
Had it been flat ground under Signora, she’d be serving another meal to her reptilian pursuer, but luckily, a steep hill was there to aid in her drop. She certainly wasn’t so thankful a few moments later, however — since when did Inazuma have such a dense rose bush population?
Every bounce down the vertical hill was another batch of thorns to jab into Signora’s tush. Everyone got a different reaction out of her: “YEEP! YAAHH! YIKES! OWW! HWAHH!”
Her crash course was just an appetizer for the main course at the bottom of the hill. “HYAAAH!” Signora flung up into the air and spun three-hundred and sixty degrees on her way back down, all to perfectly position her buttslam… straight onto a smooth-tipped, popsicle-shaped object.
SHOONK. “HRK-“ The screams finally caught in her mouth. It’s for the best — her throat has gone dry from squealing, so much. With dread in her eyes, she directed her eyes downward to see just what she had landed on — an upturned missile, aboard a pile of criminally non-confiscated firecrackers.
“Yoohoo!” Sweat began to pour down Signora’s face as she realized she wasn’t alone — a woman with a lit match and a business she’d tried to shut down. “Big summer blow-out!”
She couldn’t move her hands fast enough to beg her not to. “No, don’t, please-!” Too late: the match cast onto the pile of fireworks, and Yoimiya am become death.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOMMM!
“YAAAA-HOH-HOH-HOYYY!”
The summer festival must’ve come early. Even the citizens already beating back the Crimson Witch’s goons in Tenshukaku’s square paused, if only briefly, to marvel at the fireworks peak over the top of the trees, with the big finisher bombette soaring over the top with a lit fuse lighting up the sky.
It was a long way down for Signora, who didn’t care to look where she was landing. Her eyes were shut tight with tears trailing behind her. Her hands weren’t out to break her fall, either — they were too busy clutching onto her flaming behind, now charcoal black with soot and artfully glowing red.
“-YYYYYY-UNH!”
Her fall ended graciously not as a spot of paint on the forest floor, but with a well-placed net cast woven with vines and greenery. The soft flower petals were a welcome change from the rose garden she’d just taken a romp through. “Oh… oh, oh…” Signora accepted her momentary bliss, letting herself settle into the impromptu hammock…
Of course, it wasn’t meant to last. A light rustle in the grass warned her of that. She dared to lend her eye backward and spy who was waiting for her, this time. Adorable catlike ears, a soft and squishy face and an adorable little ensemble — who’s afraid of the courier?
Signora scoffed. “I-I won’t sign for this delivery!” She huffed. “But I’ll gladly return to sender!”
A true sign of a shogun’s demise was when even the mailwoman didn’t seem to fear her. Kirara laughed. “Sorry! No refunds!” The girl didn’t swing a sword or throw fireballs from her fists — all she brought to the party was a simple tree branch. It’s all she needed. “But I’ve got another package for you, fresh from the Tenryou Commission!”
Now used to the routine, Signora warned, “Don’t you dare!” She clenched her cheeks to try and protect her sensitive asshole… but Kirara aimed lower. Directly beneath the net of vines she’d landed on — where Signora now realized what was behind her. If she couldn’t see it outright, the low drone of enraged insects was a tell.
She’d been through too much to be surprised by this stage. “The Tenryou Commission… Where have I heard that name before?” Just under her nose was a mound of fine clay built into an upward spiral. Holes starting to crack from inside. Wings sprouted through the gaps. Beady eyes began to peer out from within. La Signora’s blood ran cold as it finally dawned on her what Kirara had been talking about.
"…oh, no." she murmured quietly. And then she screamed loudly: "OH, NO!!!"
Finally, the nest erupted into a swarm of winged insects the size of bats, each one crackling with static electricity and a hive mind to defend their home. The first thing they noticed upon waking up? Two molten moons blocking out the sun. “Special delivery!” Kirara cheered.
“You maniac!” Signora tried to stumble back onto her feet, but the net swayed under her weight. “No. No!” She felt it slipping, and her struggle only put her in that much more danger — the net swung upside-down, dropping her ass-first onto the nest. It collapsed under her weight, and the cicin saw red.
BZZZZZZ! The sound was deafening as they swarmed around Signora in a tornado of mandibles and talons. The cicin cut straight to the meat of the issue; turning to face the ground, they steered by their horns and plunged head-first into the intruder’s ass. Every little ‘prod’ was like a needle in her cheek. Signora’s voice was hoarse from screaming by the time she whined “EEEEP!”
She shot up in a fashion that almost ignored physics, her feet kicking the hive’s sand up on Kirara as she took off running for the nearest body of water. “EEK, EEK, EEK! GET THEM OFFFFFFF!”
The cicin made Signora’s butt look like a bug zapper. One-by-one, they swooped in and pricked their dorsal stingers until the Fair Lady’s tush was swollen with bumps. Each one packed the voltage of a small battery. Signora’s sprint for the waves kept getting interrupted by her involuntary, spastic movements — they broke up her screams into comedic howls, “GET — BZZZT! THEM — ZZZAP! — OFF — ZZZT!”
So caught up in swatting cicins off her tail, La Signora didn’t bother to look where she was going — her ankle hit a snag on a tripwire, and Signora went timber. “Hah-?!” She already made the sound, in anticipation of her rough landing… but when she hit the grass, it crumpled away underneath her. What she thought was solid ground was really a blanket, disguised under shredded grass…
…and what was waiting underneath was a straight drop to Inazuma bedrock.
“YYYYYYAAAHHHhhh…”
Now on clean-up duty, an emerald-haired delinquent emerged from the branches. Koki Shinobu wrapped up her coil of rope neatly. “The boss’s special.” She sighed. “Works every time…”
“hhhHHHAAAAAAHHH-!”
Signora couldn’t bring herself to look. She shielded her eyes, bracing herself for the bitter end as the cavern floor fast approaches. All the more mercy, as jagged stalagmites waited at the bottom like knives out, beaks bloody!
Of course, with her luck — be it good, or bad — she wasn’t getting the liberty of painlessly pancaking on the bottom.
SHOONK. Familiar phantom pains from her anal firework reignited something fierce — those old burns were coursed violently and abruptly by a jagged spike of solid rock. The spire had damn near impaled the lining of La Signora’s rectum.
For once, the poor usurper remained silent, if only for a few horrible seconds. Her mouth worked as though struggling to find the right words, before she finally drew a singular, deep inhalation, so much so that her cleavage might as well have spilled out of what little remained of her once-proud silken robes.
---
The archipelago had descended into complete pandemonium. All across the island, Signora’s army of slave-driving lowlifes were dropping like flies, their blades and armor worse than useless against a collective death by a thousand farming-tool-induced cuts. She had been backed up by hundreds of mercenaries and former convicts whose loyalty she had brought for herself, but they were up against a force of thousands. Thousands who had lost so much to them and were driven by desperate, righteous fury. It had been no match.
The remnants of the Tenryou Commission had just taken back their former headquarters, tearing their way through the legions of former Fatui with the assistance of countless heavily armed civilians who had turned their farming equipment into weapons of rebellion. But if the head general that had led the takeover of the facility was going to go down, he was going to go down swinging. As the army smashed through the doorway into the office he had claimed as his own, he was already reaching for his sword, ready to send heads rolling and blood spilling—
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
A distant, spine-chilling sound, one he had never thought the one person he deigned to bow to could ever make, echoed from somewhere far beyond, so high in pitch and volume that it caused the wine bottle on his desk to crack to pieces. Startled, distracted, he turned his head towards the open window — and never got the chance to wonder what had elicited that kind of unholy shriek from his highest commander before the arrow that decided the true ownership of the Commission's venue buried itself in his neck.
---
It took the better part of ten whole, excruciating minutes for Signora to pull herself free of the horrible spear of stone that had so cruelly impaled her. When she finally succeeded and felt her ample breasts hit the rock-solid cave floor with enough force to flatten them against her chest, she didn’t even scream. The sound got lost on delivery. She twitched pathetically upon the floor like a worm on the sidewalk, and uttered one singular, ragged word: “Rostam…”
The cave had a tunnel to her left, but La Signora hardly cared. All she could put any thought into was clenching her buttcheeks like her life depended on it, and fighting the urge to cry her late lover’s name like she was squealing for mommy. She didn’t even pay any mind to her final unhappy customer in the gauntlet of misery she’d just been run through.
Clap. Clap. Clap. The figure emerged from the shadows, and it was a wonder how she ever hid at all. Her salmon pink hair was vibrant enough to light up the cave by itself.
“All hail, the mighty shogun!”
Signora wasted no time with pleasantries. “Guuji Miko.” She put her best ‘serious’ tone on, despite the obvious complications. “I was petty in how I treated you. I admit it!”
Miko approached and lent an ear, but her arms were folded. “I will make you the Shrine Maiden again. I will even fund your publishing house!” Signora pleaded, “Just let me return to my throne, eheh—…”
“Raiden’s throne,” Miko corrected. “And gosh, I’m flattered! But I already have a job.” La Signora could only gulp as she watched her wand wave like she was directing an orchestra. The crackle of violet electricity made her blood run cold. “Serving her.”
Miko’s electro vision wasn’t like the others. This one had a shape. It loomed over Miko’s shoulder with the face of a hungry beast, licking its proverbial lips at the thought of a tasty kebab. Signora groaned. “Oh, you ungrateful daughter of a two-faced—!”
The gaping jaws of her electric fox beast opened wide, and its bite felt anything but holographic on her smoked buns. CHOMP — ZZZZZAP! Enough of an electric charge shot Signora straight off her perch.
They took off like a rocket toward the outer sky, all while Signora squealed “HAAARRRLOOOTTTttt!…”
Meanwhile, on the surface. “Go. I win again.” Ayaka swept the board clean, even though Sara clearly wasn’t done validating her win. Her eyes narrowed. “Ugh! Here’s what I think of your game!” The ‘Go’ board didn’t stand a chance against the general’s knee — it split into two pieces. Ayaka didn’t even blink. “…good game.”
“Ladies, please.” Lumine broke it up. She wasn’t the only spectator to Sara’s third consecutive loss at ‘Go.’ Kokomi, Kirara, Yoimiya and Shinobu — the whole gang had gotten together, with all but the two gamers having taken their place in a bunched crowd.
“tttTTTTTT-!”
“Also, take a step to your right.”
Sara and Ayaka shrugged, but obliged. One tick left, and none too soon — just as a smoldering pile of soot hit the ground with all the force of a meteor. La Signora was almost unrecognizable. Caked in soot, her butt swollen to twice its original size, her hair stuck upright and her shredded panties still snapped to her forehead, this wasn’t the image of deadly elegance she’d worked so hard for.
She rolled over onto her side and announced exactly how she was feeling: “UHHHhhhhhh…” Her brief respite, basking in the evening sunlight, couldn’t even last before Lumine’s smug face blocked it out. “Good of you to join us, ‘shogun.’ Are you ready to resign?”
Her challenge wasn’t taken lightly. Signora pushed herself up with arms shaking like leaves in the wind. “No.” She finally huffed. “As a matter of fact… I plan to tighten my iron fist on this nation…” Her hair dropped, just enough to lend her that savage look of a wild beast as her eyes pierced through the curtain. “Beginning with the execution of EVERYONE who dared bring shame to the throne—!”
Her jagged finger pointed mere inches from Lumine’s nose, but it didn’t wipe that smug look off her face. “Is that so?”
La Signora froze. Lumine wasn’t the one who asked; and the voice that did…
Like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar, La Signora cautiously turned herself around and confirmed the worst: soft, purple eyes, narrowed into an unforgiving frown. Sara had taken a knee. The others nodded their heads out of respect. Yae Miko appeared behind her, just to tease, “Took you long enough.”
“You know it,” the Raiden Shogun growled. “I go on a vacation in Liyue for two weeks, and this happens(2)?!”
The color had vanished from Signora’s face. “W-wait…” She couldn’t think up an excuse fast enough. Not before she was yanked up to her feet, but only for half a second. Raiden dropped down onto one knee, freeing a spot for Signora to be thrown over until her wartorn tush was bent into the air.
“I expect immaturity like this from Miko.” Lightning crackled around Raiden’s hand as she lifted it to ear-height. The latter mentioned stuck out her tongue. Knowing the fate of her arse was on the line, Signora thought fast: “It's not what it looks like! I-I was just warming your throne seat while you were away—”
The ‘lie detector’ of Raiden’s choice was a crisp smack to Signora’s ass with a refreshing jolt of lightning that fizzled along her spine. SSSMACK! “KYAHHH! I SWEAR!”
Too little too late for Raiden’s taste, she didn’t show her any mercy just for what she’d been through already. As shogun, Raiden didn’t usually get her hands dirty punishing the help, but it didn’t make her any more of a slouch when it came to pelting Signora’s rear. Her lightning magic helped, turning her palm into a rapid blur that dashed from cheek to cheek at inhuman speeds.
“Don’t burn what little dignity you have left, my fair lady.” Raiden calmly asked her. Signora was too tired to even put her hand back and protect herself; even trying was in vain, with Lumine on the case. She swept past and grabbed her by the wrist, restraining her from the front. All the easier for the true shogun to lay down a well-earned spanking.
CRACK! WWHAP! SSSMACK! The only challenge to Raiden’s palm meeting Signora’s tush was the screams that followed. “EEEK! R-RAIDEN! PLL-UH-EASEEE…”
And one to grow on, Raiden finished her electrified spanking with a swing for the fences — like a proper lightning strike, it brought the sound of thunder and sent a breeze through the trees as Signora was swatted straight off her lap. “BWAAAHHH!…”
She landed facedown in the grass, zero shame left to bother her from rubbing her sore hiney in front of all creation. Meanwhile, Raiden stood up and folded her arms. “Some usurper, you are.” She sighed. “I wonder if I even bother executing you. My citizens seem to have put you through much worse already…”
Sniffle. She could barely pick herself up off of the ground, yet despite everything, a sense of pride still remained. “No…” La Signora’s growl caught the shogun’s attention. She propped open a brow, if only out of pity, by now. “No! I will be back.” Whipping herself around with newfound vitriol, Signora’s finger challenged the shogun from a safe distance. “With armies and hellfire, and I will level Inazuma into the oceans if that’s what it takes-!…”
Psssh. Something cold just breezed past Signora’s behind. “-eEEEe-?!” No, it didn’t hurt, which was a welcome change, but forgive her for being on edge. Yae Miko was the culprit, a spray bottle of what looked like perfume as her weapon of choice. La Signora scowled. “What’s this?”
Raiden would answer that question. “Inazuma citrus-lavender perfume.” She smiled. “A discontinued product.”
La Signora was a smart enough woman to see where this was going before it could land. Her eyes widened at the realization and, with a howl of fury, she lunged at the true shogun with nothing left to lose. “I’LL KILL YOU FOR THIS, YOU—!”
“Miko?” Raiden smiled at her old friend, who gladly obliged, knowing that her electrified summon had liked the taste of Signora’s rump and wouldn’t be opposed to a variant of the dish.
Signora skidded to a halt as the Electro fox projection lunged at her again. Turning to run for it, she only got a few steps in before teeth met booty once again, and with a BZZZAPPP! and a scream of anguish, she was airborne once more.
“Have a nice life!” Kokomi called out to the departing Crimson Witch. “Or should I say, death?”
---
It had not been one of her better evenings, all in all. At least there was nothing to shove up her butt by the time she’d landed, but the branches and thorns she’d hit along the way had shredded the last of her clothing, and now there were sharp shards of clay stuck in the skin of her ass for some reason. Naked as the day she’d been born, she staggered to her feet, smelling of mud and other stuff she didn’t want to know about. Her blood was boiling as much as her ass was smarting.
“THIS ISN’T THE END OF IT!” she screamed towards the heavens as she pulled the shards from her cauterized caboose. “I’M COMING FOR YOU, RAIDEN! TRAVELER! ALL OF YOU! THIS NATION WILL RUE THE DAY IT DARED TO MESS WITH—”
Only now did she realize that all around her were the sounds of roaring, violence, and terrified screaming. An instant later, a nearby bush exploded in a flurry of leaves, and as she recoiled in alarm, she saw a bloodstained face and arm emerge, horribly familiar and in a state best left undescribed.
“H-hellllp… meeeeeeeEEEE!” cried the very last of her loyal soldiers, reaching feebly towards her for a moment, before something dragged him back behind the bushes with a savage growl of triumph. He screamed once, a horrible crunching sound cut him off, and all was still.
A chill ran down Signora’s spine at that moment. Just before he’d met his gruesome end, she’d realized that someone, somewhere, had splashed him with a fluid carrying the scent of citrus-lavender… and, for that matter, that this entire stretch of forest had the same odor, like someone had detonated a perfume bomb in the middle of it. And had she enough time to inspect the pottery fragments she’d landed on, or the bits of dented and bloodied armor scattered about that her highest-ranking followers had once worn, she’d have realized that had been exactly what had happened.
As it was, though, she was gripped by the sudden feeling of being watched. Light shone from the fangs of salivating beasts lurking in the bushes…
Cicins buzzed in the trees. Slimes slipped out from the undergrowth. Her own riftwolves and Ball Octopuses, freed from captivity, stepped out into the open, drooling at their first real meal in weeks. That damn spinocrocodile had finally caught up to the party, just in time. Hilichurls and kin, Whopperflowers, even several Abyss Mages… It was as though the entire bestiary of Inazuma was out for blood.
Her blood in particular.
She gulped, her face white as snow. An moment later, as one and all, the creatures uttered a single sound:
RRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Signora leaped three feet in the air, her hair standing on end as she shrieked in absolute terror.
The riftwolves took the lead. “AwOOOOOO!” And Signora joined them as she turned and ran. “AAAAAAAAA—”
Like Ushi in a China shop, she scrambled into a clearing, not caring that her naked bod was now on full display for a distant crowd to see. That was the least of her problems, though, as her hoard of new friends pounced upon her. She barely dodged the initial onslaught, but her fate was already sealed. Screaming her head off all the way, she was over the horizon within less than a minute, with all of Inazuma’s beasts fled behind in hot pursuit… including the spinocrocodile, who would catch up in an hour or so.
And so, just as quickly as it had begun, the calamitous reign of the Crimson Witch came to an equally calamitous end.
“YAAAAAGH! NO! GET AWAYYYOOUUCH! PLEASE DON’T— AHAHAHOWW! OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO! NO! NONONONO! NOOOOO!! AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!”
---
Gradually, the roars and screams faded into nothing. The citizens of Inazuma, in their untold numbers, had gathered to watch the show, and for a few moments after the sole surviving member of the Crimson Witch’s militia vanished into the distance, never to be seen again, all was silent.
And then, all at once, the whole population erupted into a tumult of cheering and applause. The Isles of Eternity had won.
“And good riddance!” cried Kirara.
Leave it to Yoimiya to have the celebrations on deck - somewhere along the way, the summer festival queen had snuck an extra firework to the party. It shot off into the sky and exploded into electric purple colors. “Here’s to a shogun worth celebrating!”
“Hmm… well.” Kokomi stretched her arms over her head. “Despite everything… it is nice to have you back, Raiden.”
She excused herself afterward. “And while this has been much unbecoming of my role…” Ayaka joined her, “Thank you, Traveler, for freeing us.”
Lumine smiled back. “Don’t think this makes the Arataki clan your ally!” Shinobu warned as she disappeared into the brush.
Sara had the least self-restraint. Once the rest were gone, she threw herself onto Raiden without so much as a warning. “Oh!” Raiden took it in good spirits, gently caressing Sara’s arm with her hand. “It is good to see you too, Sara.”
“I thought I’d lose my mind without you.” Sara whimpered. “Please, never go on vacation again.”
“Well, well.” Yae Miko chuckled. “I don’t know if she has to make that compromise, but perhaps a stronger defense of the throne is in order.” Miko was on duty to pry Sara off the shogun, and give her and the Traveler a minute to themselves. “Let’s go prepare for her return.”
Finally, with them gone, there was a moment of calm in Inazuma once more, though one tinged by excitement for the upcoming welcome-back ceremony. That being said, of course, it was a time for mourning as well as celebration — not everyone had made it through the ordeal, after all, and a memorial service for the fallen had already been added to the festival itinerary, as it should be.
Still, Lumine and Paimon basked in the peace for a moment. Ultimately, though, they couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.
“Paimon is sorry you couldn’t enjoy your vacation in peace,” said the fairy, wringing her wrists — for it had been she who’d led the shogun to where Signora had landed earlier, once Raiden had made it to port.
“Please,” Raiden laughed, “I prefer to work, anyway… and besides, you’ve paid your dues. This… couldn't have happened without you, Traveler and Paimon. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”
Maybe the kingdom wasn’t quite as good a shape yet as when she’d left it, but this was a kudos the two would never turn down. “Happy to help, Shogun!” the Traveler replied with a smile. “After all, as they say, what are friends for?”
When this story was first published on dA by the commissioner, the original version of this sentence was “Paimon was so sure she’d be next on the menu! [...]” We edited it for this repost because I realized in hindsight that the fairy being forced to cook for the "new shogun" allowed the "I crave barbecue" bait-and-switch brick joke to land much better. As for her chafed wrists, let's just say they were tied together and to one of the fixtures in the kitchen to keep her from flying off and leave it at that. XD
And if you're wondering why Raiden returned a day ahead of schedule...
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