Another one of these will be up soon as well!
Super Smash Bros. and all affiliated
properties belong to Nintendo. Spyro the Dragon belongs to
Insomniac Games.
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Shulk Sustains a Scorching
by Skaea
Contains: M/M and */M Hotbuns. SFW.
Word Count: 3,585
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The blond youth could not believe what he was seeing. He’d been told that the latest DLC fighter to have been invited to the Smash Bros. universe was quite a handful, a fearsome warrior who had saved his people many times before, with a personality as big as his reputation. He had expected someone tall, noble, proud, and handsome, someone like Marth, or – Bionis help him – Link. Above all else, he’d expected a worthy opponent that could give him a fair fight.
He had certainly not expected a purple dragon around the size of a Nopon.
At first, he had been confused and annoyed, and then outright dismayed – though not towards this newcomer in particular. Even in the wake of multiple traumatic events in his home world that shall not be discussed here for want of avoiding spoilers, Shulk was not the kind of person to hold a grudge for long. Most of all, he had high expectations of everyone he knew, and so far he hadn’t been disappointed that the fighters whom he had gotten to know over the years had fulfilled them. But this little dragon? He had no weapons, nothing in the way of combat experience the way he’d known, and not even clothing or armor of any sort. By all accounts, this match should be nothing but a formality.
But then again, they’d said the same about a certain dog and duck duo…
Spyro the Dragon crouched in his battle-ready stance, regarding the hesitant Homs with large purple eyes, which were narrowed with clear impatience. “Well?” he asked, snorting smoke from his nostrils. “You gonna start the match or not? The announcer already gave us the go sign nearly a minute ago!”
Jolted out of his reverie, Shulk nodded with a clearly apologetic look. “Oh, of course! One stock each, winner takes all, right?”
“Ready when you are, shirtless memelord!” the dragon replied eagerly.
Shulk blushed a little in embarrassment at that. The match was taking place in Palutena’s Temple, which would give the two of them a lot of room to maneuver and quite a few hazards to watch out for, such as bottomless pits and arrays of spikes lining certain walls and floors. He was standing on one end of the wooden bridge with his foe at the other. Shulk knew of the various stage hazards and what damage they could do to an unprepared fighter, but such was his confidence in the match that he’d decided to go in with nothing but his briefs on.
“Right then,” he said after a sigh of what sounded like defeat. He was already feeling bad for Spyro, who obviously had no idea what he was getting himself into, but they were here now and there was no going back. “Let’s get this over with!”
Right away, the dragon charged forward, closing the distance between him and his opponent easily. Shulk was ready for him, his Monado already emitting its bright blue energy beam; scrolling through his Monado Arts and selecting Buster. The purple glow around him seemed to match Spyro’s own color, which was fitting. Raising his sword high, he prepared to bring it down on the dragon’s head, silently thanking the developers that this wouldn’t hurt anything but his damage percentage.
What he hadn’t anticipated was for Spyro to tuck into a roll and slip right under and between his legs, the energy blade slamming into the ground harmlessly.
“Son of a–!!” Shulk whirled and tried to clothesline Spyro with the Monado, but the dragon’s youthful proportions belied astounding agility. He leaped over the blade and headbutted his opponent, sending Shulk skidding back across the bridge.
“Sheesh, predictable much?” asked Spyro. “I half expected you to scream in terror and run for your life the way those Gnorcs do!”
Shulk managed to stagger to his feet, stars circling his head, and checked his own damage meter with a yelp of dismay. It was already at 10%.
“Try me,” the teenaged Homs replied, switching his current Monado Art to Speed and preparing to rush forth. “I’ll show you the Monado’s power!”
Spyro lounged in a nonchalant manner, even as Shulk sprinted forth at increasing velocity, preparing to swipe at him with his signature weapon. But just before the impact, the purple reptile suddenly leaped straight up with a sarcastic “Yikes~!” which caused Shulk to zoom right past him. The end result of this was that he barreled straight into the little temple complex near the bridge, off the ledge on the other side, and off the edge of the stage. Panicking, he changed his Monado Art to Jump and leaped up with an Air Slash, grabbing the ledge just in time.
Looking up, the teen was in for quite a surprise when Spyro stuck his head over the ledge, a taunting smile on his face. “Aw, did I leave you hanging?” he asked. “Just come on up and lemme make it up to you!”
“Oh, don’t you dare!”
Not about to give him the satisfaction, Shulk saw a platform below him and dropped off the ledge, managing to steer himself through the air and land safely. Making his way through the platforms below him, he made note to avoid the floating spiked ball hovering just above his head. He was most focused on finding a vantage point and cornering Spyro, whose claws could already be heard clattering against the floor of the platform above him.
And there was Spyro, dropping in from the other side of the tunnel to face him.
“There you are!” Shulk switched his Monado Art to Buster again and lunged forth with a Back Slash attack. With Spyro’s back to the ledge, he had no chance of escape – and if he tried to turn and jump off, he’d take even more damage than if he stood and faced him. It seemed like he’d actually land a hit on the dragon for the first time in the entire match.
Not true. Spyro jumped up and over him a second time, and Shulk was the one who ended up falling off the ledge!
“AAAAARRRRRRGH!” WHUMP!
If there hadn’t been a puffy white cloud below him, the match would’ve been decided then and there. As it was, however, the blond teen ended up landing head-first in the cloud, and got himself stuck up to his waist in its soft depths.
“Wha?!” he cried, his legs kicking about uselessly. “This doesn’t usually happen!”
Unbeknownst to Shulk, Spyro was already descending to inspect the result of his dodge. He was surprised to find the boy embedded in the cloud with his bottom in the air, unable to pull himself out for the time being.
Then Shulk managed to plant his feet on the top of the cloud, struggling to find the leverage to free his body, even switching to Monado Jump to help in this endeavor; his blue-green eyes squeezed tightly shut as he strained to tug his body out of the stubborn cloud. This resulted in his backside sticking straight up in the air, mere feet from an astounded Spyro, who had alighted on the cloud and was just about to slash at the Homs with his claws before fully understanding what was happening.
The purple dragon’s brow lowered and his scaly lips curled up in a mischevious grin as an idea formed in his head. His unsuspecting foe had no view of what was about to happen, and no warning. Opening his mouth, Spyro inhaled deeply and silently in preparation for unleashing his Neutral Special, his Dragon Breath.
A second later, there was a loud FWOOOOSH, as a fan-shaped jet of orange flames that struck the blond boy’s buttocks dead-center!
Shulk’s eyes suddenly snapped open and widened to their maximum limit, searing pain along with a black scorch mark blossoming across his rump. There was a moment of utter stillness, with Spyro holding his breath in anticipation of the inevitable.
“YEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHHHH!!!”
With a burst of sudden strength, Shulk finally managed to pop out of the cloud, leaping skyward with a howl of pain. He was still screaming even as he landed on the nearest platform, after which he shot off like his bottom was on fire – which was entirely true, smoke trailing behind him as he streaked across the stage in a frantic search for a way to douse his roasting rump. His percentage was rising rapidly – the initial blast had dealt 5% damage and an extra 1% was being added each second.
For his part, Spyro had flown upward to perch on the platform Shulk had landed on, and was now laughing so hard his flanks hurt. No doubt he was having fond memories of doing this to multiple bosses back in the day, including Gnasty Gnorc.
“EEEYOOOWWWW! MY ARSE IS ON FIRE!” Shulk screamed at the top of his voice as he crossed the arena in record time. “WATER WATER WATER! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!”
Just as his damage meter reached 25%, he finally reached a floating island which was directly under a small waterfall, the water trickling off into the abyss. There was a gentle sizzling noise an instant later as Shulk sat in the stream, sighing in sweet relief. The sound of flapping wings made him look up, and with a horrified gasp he saw Spyro gently gliding towards him.
“NO! STAY AWAY!” he cried, trying to force him back with his weapon, but of course he missed as Spyro performed a flawless air-dash. By sheer misfortune (for Shulk, anyway), the dragon landed behind him…
FWOOOOOSH!
This time, Shulk leaped straight up into the air with a genuine cry of “YIKES!” Desperately trying to draw a bead on his opponent, he failed to notice Spyro lowering his head, the very sharp points of his large yellow horns directly below the boy’s blackened bottom. Crouching and wiggling his own hindquarters in preparation, the dragon took aim with his up-smash attack before launching himself off the ground, driving the tips of his horns deep into both rounded halves of his adversary’s arse with tremendous force.
SHUNK!
“EEEEEEEEYYYYYOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!”
Another 20% was added to Shulk’s damage meter as he was sent screaming into the sky, past the gap between the two platforms at the top of the grassy floating island. Sailing through the air in a gentle arc, he could only cradle his punctured posterior as the ground rushed up to meet him. Next thing he knew, there was a loud WHUMP and a loud scream as his rear exploded in pain once again from the impact, followed by the resultant friction of him sliding halfway across the wooden bridge. No doubt he’d pick up a few splinters along the way.
The beating of Spyro’s wings sent a thrill of panic through the hapless Homs, but he couldn’t figure out where the dragon was at the moment. Apparently, Spyro was not done just yet – landing some distance behind him and crouching once again, he pawed the ground with one of his front feet in a spine-chilling fashion as a line of glowing green chevrons illuminated the ground ahead of him, forming a trail that happened to travel right under where Shulk was sitting.
“Oh no,” the blond teen whimpered quietly, the sound of claws cutting into the turf now reaching his ears, along with the rushing, whooshing sound of something gaining velocity by the second.
In anticipation of the inevitable, Shulk switched to Monado Shield with a shriek of terror and rolled onto his bottom to try and protect it, trying to press it as deeply into the grass as possible – only for Spyro to hook his horns under it and flick his head upwards, capitalizing on the velocity of his side special, the Supercharge, to catapult the boy across the sky.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” The Doppler effect of Shulk’s scream could be heard as Spyro continued running (and picking up some food that had spawned in along the way), keeping his eyes and ears trained on his foe as he sailed over the temple to the side of the bridge. Said scream was cut off by the luckless teenager smacking into the side of one of the floating ledges nearby and toppling to the ground.
Or rather, onto Spyro’s horns, bottom-first. Again.
SHUNK!
“EEEEYAAAAAAAAH!”
With another flick of his head, Spyro flung his opponent up and forward, sending him off the edge of the stage, before bursting out in another fit of hysterics. “I’m having way too much fun with this,” he chortled to himself.
Galloping over to where Shulk had dropped, he saw that the boy had just used his Air Slash to once again make his way back to the platforms below the mini-temple. Spyro dropped off himself, and turned in the air to follow the same route. A few wingbeats later, he was directly above his foe; before Shulk realized what was happening, the dragon rapidly flipped his head downwards, and then shot straight down, using his down-special – the Horn Dive – to attempt to smash him into the ground. It just barely missed, but the shockwave from the impact was enough to damage Shulk and send his percentage up to 70%. The result of this was that he shot diagonally upwards, bounced off the ceiling of the passageway, then the floor, then the ceiling again, and realized an instant too late that he was hurtling butt-first towards the spiked ball from earlier.
SHNNK!
“YIIIIIAAAAAAAOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!”
With a yell of pain, he bounced off the spike ball, onto the ceiling, and back down towards the spike ball again.
SHNNK!
“AAAAAYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
And again.
SHNNK!
“EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
A few moments later, Spyro climbed onto the platform near the spike ball to find Shulk curled up below it, clutching his punctured, slightly swollen bottom and moaning in pain.
“Yeesh, and I thought this was gonna be a fair fight,” the dragon mused, wincing at the sorry sight. “Oh well. Might as well finish it before you embarrass yourself to death!”
“WHA?! NO, YOU KEEP AWAY FROM ME!” Shulk scrambled to his feet as Spyro inhaled a third time, before taking off like a shot and actually leaping off the nearest edge of the stage. Before he hurtled into the abyss, he managed to perform another Air Slash and grab onto the ledge of the platform right below the bridge where it had all began, out of range of Spyro’s Dragon Breath. Spyro merely shook his head and then, with a calm, confident, and slightly disappointed look on his face, leaped off the ledge himself.
Shulk yelped and withdrew his legs as Spyro passed under him before scrambling onto the ledge. Thinking he was safe, he bent over slightly to catch his breath. This however turned out to be a mistake, for next moment, Spyro had summoned a sparkling whirlwind – his up-special called Whirlwind, to be precise – and opened his mouth…
CHOMP!
“YEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHHH!!!”
Poor Shulk was probably going to go hoarse for days in the wake of all that screaming. The dragon’s razor-sharp fangs had sunken into the seat of his trunks, for like with Duck Hunt’s dog, that was the only way he could grab things. This was not only extremely painful for the tormented teen, but also allowed Spyro to start shredding the seat of Shulk’s trunks with his little but viciously sharp claws like a cat with a scratching post. Shrieking in anguish all the while, Shulk could only helplessly watch his damage meter, projected like a hologram in the sky above, shooting past 100%, the bright red numbers sticking out like warning flags compared to Spyro’s… 0%.
Then Spyro tossed him up into the air, and then angled his head straight up before blowing a point-blank burst of flame breath, striking the dead center of Shulk’s shredded seat.
“GYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Howling in pain and once again trailing smoke from his seat – which was now burned right off his trunks, exposing a pair of bare buttocks as red as a Maxim Tomato – Shulk was sent skyward, past the wooden bridge and indeed so high that he came dangerously close to the blast line. And then he saw it. A Smash Ball was heading straight towards him, its tantalizing colors almost blinding in the clear blue sky. If only he could just break it and get in position, he could finally summon Dunban and Riki and then teach that little pest of a reptile to think twice before wounding his pride – to say nothing of his tender tormented tuckus.
He swung out with his Monado – only to realize too late that he’d set his Monado Arts to Smash. The struck orb sailed away from him as he cried out in despair, before gravity took hold of him at last and pulled him back to the ground below.
“WAAAAAAAAGH!!”
CRUNCH-SPLAT!
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
At least he landed on something squishy. Standing up and dusting himself off, the battered boy began to wonder now where the strange buzzing sound that had started up a moment ago was coming from. Then he realized that it was right behind him, and with a yelp of terror he turned his head and looked down. There, stuck to his bottom, was a highly occupied Beehive.
“OH DEAR BIONIS, NOOOO!” he wailed, but there was nothing he could do to stop the bees from doing what comes naturally.
ZING! ZAP! POINK! BZZT! SHNK!
“EEEEEYOOOOOUUUUCH!” Screaming in renewed agony, Shulk ran in frantic circles as the trapped and angry bees vented their venomous rage upon the tender butt cheeks trapping them inside their home. “OW OW OUCH OWIE OWWWWW! OH NONONONOOOOO! AIEEEEEEE!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOP!!!”
Having reached the bridge where the match had started, Spyro was now laughing so hard at this spectacle that he could barely draw breath. But then he stopped in his tracks, having seen the Smash Ball coasting towards him, his eyes wide with wonder. Then they narrowed, and before Shulk could react (not that he could, since he was still trying to pry the Beehive off of him), he’d leaped at the colorful orb with his claws extended.
Finally, Shulk managed to unstick the Beehive, only for the swarm of bees to continue chasing him, his damage meter at a distressing 142%. But then there was the sound of something shattering and the distinctive noise of a being powering up, causing them to suddenly fly away. He looked round to see Spyro surrounded in a golden aura behind him, his eyes gleaming with yellow light as the entire battlefield became slightly darker.
The boy’s eyes glowed turquoise for a second, his Vision showing him the inevitable. And then his Monado clattered to the floor.
“Oh no,” was all he could say, his voice tiny and tinged with terror.
The little dragon’s Final Smash activated a mere instant later, a blue-clad fairy appearing in front of him and kissing his snout before vanishing. Then he rose into the air, glowing pink stripes lighting up all over his body.
“I smell a barbecue!” Spyro said confidently. Now hovering high over the battlefield, he inhaled deeply, the reticle directing his Superflame falling dead-center upon the honey-soaked crack between Shulk’s buttocks.
For one brief moment, all was still, as though the entire world was holding its breath. And then Spyro exhaled a tremendous fireball that exploded like a miniature supernova upon impact, and all of Palutena’s Temple was engulfed in blinding pink light.
Spyro landed as lightly as a feather, his purple eyes falling upon the blackened scorch mark before him along with the Monado lying on the ground next to it. Then a distant scream made him look up, and he doubled over laughing a fourth time. A shrieking Shulk was soaring off into the horizon, trailing fire like a meteor as he helplessly clutched his battered, burning bottom.
The twinkling sound of the Monado’s chosen wielder vanishing into the sky reached Spyro at the same time as the announcer’s cry of “GAME!” Needless to say, the dragon’s heart at that point soared almost as high as the body of his defeated opponent.
**********
“The sky’s the limit!” Spyro cried dramatically, before striking a rampant pose with his wings spread. A second later, the sound of very weak applause came from behind him. There was Shulk, half-heartedly applauding, covered in soot, the tips of a few strands of his rumpled hair still on fire, and no doubt with a seat which was undoubtedly scorched, stabbed, stung, slashed, and sore enough to give Dr. Mario a massive headache. The Monado had apparently been given back to him by someone before he’d entered the victory room.
“Man, that was a great battle!” Spyro laughed. Then he turned to see Shulk with a surprised expression, which became a slightly apologetic one. “Oh! Uh… Oops? Y’know, I had my doubts about having a good time since I was invited to Smash Bros., but you proved me wrong, and I gotta thank you for that, at least. So, uh… hopefully you’ll accept my apology for toasting you like that, right?”
All poor Shulk could do was silently bemoan his ignominious defeat, his doubts about what Spyro was capable of now completely nonexistent. That, and cough a little puff of smoke.
“At least let me ask the devs to nerf you later,” he mumbled weakly, “and I’ll consider it.”
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