As previously noted, the third Max Gluteus tale is almost complete, but I've struggling so much with the climax and conclusion that I can't really release it yet. Once it's complete, though, you readers will be the first to know. In the meantime, please enjoy this little tale and laugh at Max's (and Nile's) suffering! I hope I delivered well enough. :D
Part 1 on DeviantArt
Part 2 on DeviantArt
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Max Gluteus and the Eye of the White Tiger
by Skaea and an anonymous co-writer
Contains: */M and some */F Hotbuns. Mildly NSFW.
Word Count: 13,861
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The work of an archaeologist is never done. That I can say for
certain. You can never get any rest on the job, be it due to a new assignment
in some foreign country, a new artifact in need of cataloguing… or in my case,
a flea-infested seat cushion.
A month or so after my first adventure in Central America, I was given a lead by my supervisor regarding a monastic temple in the mountains of northern Tibet, on the border of south China. A mysterious object known as the Eye of the White Tiger, an object of unknown and no doubt plot-relevant mystical power, had recently been discovered, but for some reason, the people who had found it had fled in terror from whatever was in there before they could investigate its nature in full. It was decided quite quickly that I was the one for the job, given my success at my previous endeavor — though it was to the surprise of the department that Tlacotl decided to come.
Of course, one thing led to another, and we’d soon found ourselves in a dingy rickshaw winding its way up some third-world town, its destination being the village at the foothills of the Himalayas.
“Is everything okay, Max?” asked Tlacotl, curling her arms close to her body; she was not used to cold climates, so she had insisted on dressing in as many mountaineer jackets as she could, along with several pairs of khakis and fur-lined hiking boots. “You look… uneasy.”
“It’s nothing — ow! — Just these — ouch! — fleas in the seat cushion — owie! — They’re biting my bottom almost constantly — aaagh! — and making it difficult — yeeoww! — to concentrate…”
She shook her head in mild distaste. “Seems like your curse is just as busy as you. Not to mention extremely possessive.”
I snorted at that remark, pulling my own dark brown parka a little tighter around me. We had tried to keep up a romantic relationship as much as we could since we’d met back in the Mesoamerican jungle, but it was not to be, because of course. The curse always maimed my ass every single time we tried to even kiss. Tlacotl had been devastated when I finally told her that we had to break up, but we’d eventually conceded that in hindsight, we should’ve seen that coming a long way away, and at least our friendship remained unbroken in spite of everything.
“Well, it’s — yowch! — not my fault that every time we — aiiieee! — tried to seriously commit — gaah! — the curse made sure that I — oowwch! — could never get even a moment’s happiness — aack! — without getting my poor bottom getting hurt to compensate!”
The tribal woman nodded sagely. “It’d make sense that it wouldn’t work out. Your curse was, after all, brought about by you getting horny with someone when neither she nor her relations wanted it.”
“I still think — aaah! — it’s a little — owiieee! — excessive…”
“I could almost agree with that, but then again, you do put your priorities over those of others sometimes, too. Not exactly ideal for relationship building, isn’t it?”
“Fair point. Aaargh! Damn fleas! My ass is gonna itch for days…”
“Count yourself lucky. Ah, here we are!”
We disembarked from the rickshaw at our designated stop, with me exiting a lot faster than normal. I instantly started scratching my bottom with extreme fervor, earning a look of pity from my companion in spite of herself.
“Don’t worry, I’ll get you some anti-itch cream as soon as we get to the village,” said Tlacotl, deciding to follow my lead to the place in question. “So… I take it you’re aware that the Monastery of the White Tiger is square in the middle of tiger country? Which is a rhetorical question, by the by.”
“T-Tigers?” I shivered uncomfortably.
“You know… Panthera tigris? Largest member of the cat family? Basically like a jaguar, but bigger, stripier, and meaner—”
“I know what a tiger is, dammit! It’s just… After that one time with that jaguar…”
“Oh, right. You’re probably gonna get mauled, huh?”
“Took the words right outta my mouth, there. So, would it be too much to ask to help me out in case of, well… you know?”
“Why do you think I decided to come? You need help, regardless of the status of our no-longer-existent relationship. I can’t imagine striking it out on your own without getting yourself killed.”
By this point, we’d arrived at the outpost at the base of the mountain. Whatever Tlacotl was about to say, she didn’t get the chance. There was someone already waiting for us outside the tent, presumably our guide up towards the temple.
She was a small Chinese woman, only about four-foot-eleven in height with a rather slender build. Her current choice of attire was a blue Hanfu, a traditional Chinese dress, with a white floral pattern, nicely contrasting with her long, silky black hair and dark brown, almond-shaped eyes. Her skin looked silky-smooth and nearly flawless, as she had a single freckle on her right cheek, just below her eye; her face was a bit pointed, mostly her chin, and she has a small nose. Upon seeing us, she flashed a beautiful smile, shaped by full lips with well-kept white teeth.
The beautiful Chinese woman bowed as we approached. “Ni hao, travelers.”
I bowed back, nudging for Tlacotl to do the same. “Ni hao. And you must be…?”
“I am Mei Zhen, and I will be your tour guide!” I noticed she had a rather notable accent typical of her heritage.
“I’d be honored,” I replied. “So… How long will we be expected to reach the temple?”
“Ah, yes. It will take approximately three days to get to the temple, as it it situated up on that particular mountain, just over there.” She pointed to a rather tall peak, its lower slopes covered with beautiful greenery, but clearly covered in snow and barren rock starting from a third of the way up. The misty clouds covering its peak made it difficult to make out whatever was on top, making it all but mandatory to get there in person.
Tlacotl shivered, no doubt glad that she’d dressed in as many layers as she had for the trip. “I’ll have you know right now, I’m used to tropical rainforests, rivers, and marshes. Snow is just not for me, and really, the only reason I’m here at all is ‘cuz I’m with him.” She pointed her thumb at me, and I waved casually.
“Oh, I see. Are you two a...couple?”
Tlacotl huffed. “We tried. Didn’t work out. Poor guy’s got this curse his supervisor placed on him in college ‘cuz he was an absolute dick.”
“I see. So, what is this curse and why would this curse affect your relationship?”
“You’ll find out soon enough, trust me.” Tlacotl nudged my shoulder. “Just don’t be surprised if we can’t make it up there before the end of the week.”
“Hey!” I protested, but I wasn’t about to argue against her. “So, uh. Shall we just get going, then?”
“Then we shall prepare for the worst. We need a pack animal, maybe two, if it may take us a week.”
I bristled a little. “You didn’t even bother to bring one?! Look, we’ve got so much stuff here that it’d take forever to haul it to the top!”
Tlacotl nudged me again, but I ignored her.
Mei’s eyes narrowed. “Hmph. Well I did not have to come here to meet you. I could have just let you find your way to the village.” She crossed her arms, looking offended.
I grumbled angrily and stomped off. “I need to at least get the stuff I really need, if we’re gonna go this afternoon. Whose idea was it to bring this much junk?!”
“Yours,” Tlacotl replied icily. Once again, I ignored her as I headed off into the meadow.
It was five minutes of fuming and stomping across the lawn Dropping my bag onto the grass, I bent over (unwisely, in hindsight) and started sifting through it, hoping to find the essentials. Tlacotl had packed in such a chaotic, confusing manner that it made it hard to find, for example, my smartphone, thermos full of hot cocoa, and especially my first-aid kit.
If I’d been more attentive, I’d have noticed a few piles of stuff I’d rather not mention here and there in the meadow. I was too upset and distracted to notice, however, when a one-ton yak suddenly appeared about a hundred feet behind me. The massive bovine was of a light brown color. with long hair and powerful cloven-hoofed legs. Its huge, curved horns were extremely pointy and dark gray in color. Upon seeing my ample, rather plump rear, the yak, no doubt sensing a golden opportunity, pawed the ground, snorting in anticipation.
I was still too occupied by the clutter in my bag to notice. This was to my detriment, for I completely failed to hear when it began to charge, making a lowing noise almost as loud as its pounding hooves.
It was only when I heard its bellow, which sounded way too close, that I realized what was happening a second too late.
SHUNK!
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Sailing through the air with an echoing scream, I tumbled head-over-heels onto a bed of flowers and herbs, having been flung behind the yak whose hooves, mercifully, missed my bag by mere inches.
Screaming in pain, I flailed and kicked about uselessly on the ground, cradling my punctured bottom even as the yak turned and once again lowered its head, snorting like a locomotive.
“STAY AWAY! STAY AWAAAY!!” I cried, getting up and turning to run. But the yak was faster. As soon as it caught up with me, it hooked its huge horns onto my jiggling buttocks, barely piercing my skin, and tossed me back across the meadow… sailing towards the two girls who had just arrived at the meadow to investigate the racket.
Crashing to the ground, I slid to the feet of Tlacotl, who gaped at me, lost for words. Mei, on the other hand, rolled her eyes and face-palmed. “Seems as though we’ve found our pack animal.”
“NO!” I cried. But then I heard the thunder of mighty hooves and screamed like a little girl, diving under Tlacotl’s legs, my butt sticking comically upward. I closed my eyes, terror-stricken, as the yak closed in with the intent of running me through…
Mei stunned us at that moment. Like a Minoan performer, she rushed forward, grabbing the yak’s horns before vaulting upwards to flip onto the yak’s back. As it closed the distance towards me, she tried to calm it down. “It is okay, Bao! Slow down! Slow down…” Her voice turned softer as she stroked its fur.
It worked; the yak skidded to a halt a mere foot in front of a paralyzed Tlacotl. It seemed to calm down a bit, snorting in only mild annoyance now, but then it saw my bottom sticking up, and decided to poke me in the middle of my tender bottom anyway.
“AYIIIIEEEEE!”
“H-how did you—” Tlacotl’s mouth moved wordlessly as she trailed off, astonished at what she’d just seen.
“This yak is part of my village’s herd,” Mei said as she dismounted. “He is usually such a sweet boy.” She stroked the yak’s nose lovingly.
“No, I meant, where did you learn that level of skill?! I can’t vault a bull the way you did!”
“Oh. Well, I am a member of a Shaolin monastery. We were all trained in martial arts. My entire village is a Shaolin monastery, if that makes sense?”
I moaned in pain, cradling my pierced lower cheeks. “Well, that’s comforting.”
“Are you gonna apologize to Mei for insulting her, Max?” asked Tlacotl, glaring down at me. “Or are you just gonna sit there and whine like a baby while the Eye of the White Tiger remains undiscovered?”
Smiling sheepishly, I slid my way back out from under her legs… and ended up backing my bottom straight into Bao’s horn. One “YEEEOOOOWWW!” later, I shot out the other way and hid behind the tribal woman, who rolled her eyes with a discontented snort.
“I take back what I said earlier,” I mumbled in genuine guilt. “Sorry, Mei. So… Shall we get going?”
“Very well. However, if you insult me again, you will have more than a yak horn to worry about,” Mei huffed and started walking away.
I took one look at Bao’s horns and squeaked in alarm. “C-can I at least get my bag back? I think I left it in the meadow before I got a horn where the sun doesn’t shine…”
**********
We were off. The mountain road was rather steep, but otherwise manageable. I had to be very, very careful not to get too close to the edge of any cliff, knowing the luck I was having all day, and stayed next to Bao at all times for obvious reasons.
“So… What brought you here to this particular mountain?” asked Tlacotl, looking up at Mei who was riding a luggage-toting Bao. “The Monastery of the White Tiger doesn’t exactly welcome visitors, at least as far as we know.”
Mei chuckled with slight trepidation. “Ah, yes. It’s just — how do I put it? — the monastery has always had its worshippers. The dead of our villages are given ‘sky burials’ here, the bodies given to the scavengers so their souls will be freed. But in recent years, there have been rumors from the temple. Strange sounds at night, like the roaring of a terrible beast within the heart of the sacred ground.”
“So, there’s a tiger living there?” I asked.
“Not just a tiger, Gluteus. It is Bái Hu, the White Tiger of the West.”
My eyes widened. “I thought the Four Symbols were just that, symbols!”
“People said the same about Xiuhcoatl,” replied Tlacotl, grinning.
At Mei’s confused look, I said, “I met Tlacotl during a trip to Central America. Long story.”
“I see. So you are indeed an explorer, then.”
“Post-graduate researcher at the archaeology department of the University of Monumentropolis, actually. You got a college major, by the way?”
“Not at the moment — I just turned eighteen. I will be enrolling into college soon, not that it is any of your business. But I want to become a historian.”
I smiled in recognition. “There’s always an opening in the departments at my university if you’re willing to move to the states. I’m sure you’ll do great where we’re at!”
“Don’t encourage her,” Tlacotl replied in a slightly annoyed tone.
Mei glared at Tlacotl. “Excuse me? What have I done to you? It would be wise to watch your tone.”
“Ladies, please, you’re both pretty,” I said, raising my hands in a gesture for them to cool it. “But we’ve got a temple to get to, and the Eye of the White Tiger certainly won’t be waiting for us all day…”
Mei growled and pulled out a sword, poking Tlacotl in the bottom.
“WAAAAACK!” Tlacotl yelped, jumping badly enough to accidentally bump into me… which caused me to lose my balance, my arms windmilling, and then plunge off the edge of the path, sliding down the steep slope below.
“Told you,” the tribal girl muttered, rubbing her sore bottom and watching helplessly as I slid down to God-knew-what.
“GAAAAAAAH! OH NONONONOOOOO!” I cried, the seat of my pants shredding on the rough rock and my butt getting abraded mercilessly.
For the second time that day, Mei groaned and face palmed. “Brilliant. You stay here. I will go get him.”
“WA-WA-WA-WA-WAAAA!” Sliding inexorably down the slope, I screamed in horror as I saw a thicket of brambles bristling with inch-long thorns ahead of me. Gravity showed no mercy whatsoever as the obvious ensued. “YAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!”
Mei sighed exasperatedly. “Mister Gluteus, are you alright?”
“Can I get back to you on that, Mei?!” I wailed, my voice extremely high-pitched. I was now tangled in multiple thorny tendrils, the spikes digging into my rear, over the edge of a cliff. The good news was that the drop was only a few feet. The bad news? A series of very sharp spikes of rock jutted up directly below me.
“Can you grab onto my hand? Maybe I will be able to pull you up.” Mei held out her hand, reaching over the edge of the cliff next to the bramble bush.
I reached up without hesitation, but just my luck, I could barely reach the tips of her fingers. I tried to reach up a little further, adjusting my body position — and unintentionally putting more weight on fewer vines.
“AAAOOOWWCH!” I cried, the thorns digging even deeper into my bottom. But more importantly, the vines were now beginning to break. A loud SNAP made my blood run cold before I dropped about half an inch downward.
“No no no noooo!” I cried, as more snapping noises resounded, my bottom descending gradually in tandem.
“Ah! NO! Gluteus!” Mei yelled in horror as she watched helplessly.
I looked up at her, trying not to focus on those dreadful spikes of stone. With one last movement, I managed to reach up, bringing my hand within range of her—
SNAP!
It happened in slow-motion, the vines all coming apart, gravity once again taking over as, with a horrible wail, I plummeted butt-first into the bed of spikes.
SHNNNK!
“AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
**********
I had to sit on a pillow, on top of the saddle on Bao’s back, for the rest of the day.
“That… went… great,” I mumbled with a slightly vacant look, my voice a little higher than normal as we continued our way up the mountain, an hour lost thanks to the previous escapade.
“Does this always happen to him?”
Tlacotl gave her a look of sincere pity. “The curse never sleeps, Mei. I wish we could do something about it, but we don’t know how to break the curse, or even if it could be broken.”
“The poor boy,” Mei replied from next to the yak, looking up sympathetically. “I have something that may help with the pain. I will rub it on you when we get to a stopping point.”
“It won’t work for long, but the thought is appreciated,” I mumbled.
“The medicine is made up of honey and aloe. It should help with your pain, at least a little.”
I let out a “mmmmm” of satisfaction and contentment. But then I realized that she’d said ‘a little’ and my heart sank. Deep down, we both knew the relief wouldn’t last too long, not against my curse.
“Do we set up camp soon?” asked Tlacotl. “My feet are getting a little sore…”
I made a discomfited sound, my bottom tingling. She had no right to say that, not after I’d gotten speared in the ass after falling off a cliff! I wisely decided not to tell her this, though.
“Yes. There is a site that we can set up at. We are nearly there, maybe a couple of minutes away.”
“Can’t come soon enough,” I said with a nervous laugh. “I mean, there’s nothing that can go wrong while we’re there, is there?”
“Well, no, unless you are unlucky enough to sit in the fire or get attacked by a wild animal?”
“Don’t jinx it,” I muttered.
It was around ten to fifteen minutes before we’d set up shop. We soon got the fire going, the afternoon sun beginning to drop ever so slightly from its highest point in the sky, the heat required not because due to the chilly mountain air.
“So, how soon before we get to the temple?” I asked. “I’ve heard mountain treks like this take days, if not weeks. The hazardous conditions have stymied people without supernatural bad luck curses…”
“I told you this morning that it would take about three days, but considering your bad luck, it may take a week or more.”
“A week?!” Tlacotl looked indignant. “We don’t have time for—”
“We took three days to get to the temple of the Hummingbird Headdress,” I interjected. “It’s not like we’ll be slowed down up here, either.”
Mei glared at Tlacotl. “Would you like another poke to your backside? If not, then shut it. I am doing the best I can to get you there as quickly and safely as possible.” She shook her head and stood up, clearly pissed off. “I need some air.”
Tlacotl folded her arms and huffed, but remained silent. I stood up as well, clearly wanting to console her. But then I stopped in my tracks, turning my head to glance behind me.
“Uh… Tlacotl?” I asked, looking around nervously. “Did you hear something?”
“Nnnnnooooo?” she asked. “Just the sound of our guide disagreeing with my criticism.”
“You don’t have to be so rude,” I grunted. “That’s my job.”
Then another noise made me stiffen.
“Okay, I did hear that.” Tlacotl sat up a little straighter, wondering if she should grab her spear. Nearby, Bao tossed his head in agitation, brandishing those fearsome horns and pawing the ground as though preparing to break loose and run for his life.
There was something in the vegetation nearby. The quiet padding noises could only have come from one thing.
Snow leopard.
I turned, ready to pull out the knife I always had in my pocket. But just as I turned to face the threat, we heard a sound. A sound that seemed to burst eardrums, shut down the entire body with mortal terror, and allow its source to strike without a care in the world. This… This was no snow leopard.
I only had an instant to scream before a massive orange-and-black-striped blur slammed its great clawed paws into my chest, sending me toppling bottom-first into the fire.
CRASH-SSSSS!
“EEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”
“MAX!” Tlacotl cried, springing to her feet and grabbing her spear, but it was too late. My ass was in the campfire, scorch-marks blossoming across my seat, but I couldn’t escape the flames, not with 500 pounds of Bengal tiger trying to rip my face off.
ROOOOAARRRR! RIP! SLASH! “AAAARRRRGH!” SNARL! SHRED! “TLACOTLLLLLL! HEEEELLLP!” RIP RIP! GRAWRRRR! “AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!”
The tiger growled and snarled like a living nightmare as it clawed and bit at me, turning my clothes into a scratching post as it attempted to seize my throat. I managed to wriggle my way back, putting my rump out of the fire, but the massive animal clawed my side as it leapt over the flames as well, inflicting a couple of painful wounds in my skin, though luckily nothing deep.
The spear jabbing into its shoulder made it whirl, releasing me as Tlacotl tried to find the beast off, but she was not in any way equipped to take on a cat that size. The distraction allowed me to flip over onto my stomach and try to make my way towards the cliff, probably to slip off and land in something painful in order to escape. But the tiger made her back off as it swiped at her with its claws, before returning to an extremely tender target in front of it…
“NO NONOOOOOOOOOUUUUUCH! IT’S EATING ME ALIVE! EEEYYYOOOOOWWW! HELP! GET IT AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEE!”
At that precise, unfortunate moment, Mei returned to the camp. “What in the— AAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Before the tiger could react, she had grabbed her sword and rushed forward. It barely had the time to lash out at her before she began beating it with the hilt. “Get off of him! Get off! Shoo!” Mei kicked the tiger away from me, and with a snarl of displeasure, it obliged, darting off into the undergrowth and disappearing from sight.
“Gluteus, are you alright? Are you hurt?” Mei asked as she knelt next to me, looking me over for any serious injuries.
CRACK.
Mei squeaked in panic and backed away. “G-Gluteus?”
“Uh-oh…” That was all I could say before the edge of the cliff, with me lying on it, gave way.
“WAAAAAAAaaaaahhh…!” My scream dopplered away as I plummeted off the cliff, tumbling down the steep slope. Blinded by my tears of pain, I looked down just in time to realize that at the bottom of the slope was, as luck would have it, a fully-grown Hystrix brachyura, a Malayan porcupine, its quills erect in alarm at the threat of the incoming bottom of a very unlucky explorer.
“Oh no no nonononoNO—”
CRUNCH-SHNNNKKK!
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHH!!!”
It took me the better part of an hour to haul myself back up to camp, my butt cheeks so full of spines that they looked like a pair of sea urchins.
Mei rushed over to me as soon as I got back to camp. “Max! May I call you Max?” She asked as she help me over to the fire. “You poor thing. Here, lay down.” As soon as I obliged, she gently stroked my hair, as if to comfort me (which was exactly what it did, unsurprisingly).
“Just get it over with, please,” I mumbled.
Mei nodded. “I will do my best.” With that, she began to pull the spines out of my abused buttocks. I could tell that Mei was trying to be gentle, but it hurt nonetheless.
Tlacotl cringed at the sorry sight. She could see now that even with all the hindrances brought about by my horrendous luck, Mei still cared enough to do the best she could.
POINK! “AAAAOOOWWWCH!” POINK! “AAAAIIIIEEEEE!” POINK! “EEEEEEYYYOOOOWWWW!” POINK! “GAAAAAAAAHHHH…!”
**********
Mei had just finished rubbing her homemade remedy on my abused ass. She smiled softly and kissed me forehead, before gently massaging my aching bottom.. “There. Now we just need to bandage you up and we can be on our way.”
It had been a day since I’d had my terrifying encounter with the tiger and porcupine. My ass was still hurting, and we’d lost valuable time getting me patched up (which had happened every other hour, that’s how bad the pain was), but what else was new?
“How far off is the temple, anyway?” I asked as I got to my feet and hitched my pants back up, taking note of a tall tree nearby that I could use as a vantage point for surveying.
“We should be there by this afternoon, if we are lucky.”
“We need to know the direction, though.” Tlacotl looked a little doubtful. “Hey Max, you think you can scope us out?”
“Way ahead of you!” I smiled and made my way towards the tree, before beginning to climb it.
“Be careful, Max!” Mei called to me as I started climbing. “Is he always this. how do you put it, proud? Cocky? Reckless? Careless?”
“Eh, I’ve learned to live with it.” Tlacotl chuckled. “He just likes being tall.”
I didn’t hear the two girls as I headed up the tree, making note of which way was north. As soon as I reached a sturdy branch, I got up to peer around, hoping to find anything interesting. Then I saw it… There, off in the distance, was a statue shrouded by mist… a tiger-shaped statue.
“Yes! There it is!” I cried. “Alright, just half a day away from where we are… Not a problem at all!”
Me and my biiiiig mouth.
In my excitement, I unknowingly jostled the branches of the tree. I didn’t realize it at that moment, but there was a large structure above me. The branch that I was on suddenly cracked under my weight and I toppled towards the ground, the waxy object following after me.
“WAAAAAH!” WHUMP! “Eeeeeeeeee—”
Once again, I’d landed on my crotch, my genitals squished between the wood and my pelvis. With a moan of agony, I slid off, and then felt my underpants snag on a tree branch, my pants falling down to my ankles in the process. “GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
The waxy structure, meanwhile, smashed into the ground, its many sheets of honeycomb spilling everywhere. And then I heard a loud buzzing coming from the damaged wax pile…
“Oh nononoNONONOOOOO—!”
The girls arrived a few moments later. Mei ran over and then gasped, stopping feet away from the tree trunk. “Max!” She looked at Tlacotl. “What do we do? He is being stung!”
“No duh!” The dark-skinned girl looked up and gasped in horror. “Oh gods, Apis dorsata laboriosa!”
“Which is what? Also, I do not like your attitude towards me.”
Tlacotl rolled her eyes. “Himalayan giant honeybees.”
“Oh for the love of— what do we do?!” Mei began to panic. “We have to help! He could be allergic or if he is stung too many times, he could die! Tlacotl! What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO!?”
“ANYTHING!” I wailed from the tree. “PLEASE HELP MEEEEEEIIYYOOOOWWWW!” The angry buzzing of the immense bees couldn’t overshadow my screams of pain as dozens of stingers sank into the flesh of my bottom…
“Hang on! We’ll get you!” cried Tlacotl, preparing to throw her spear…
Mei gasped in terror. “NO! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT—”
“Trust me, I know what I’m doing!” She aimed it in such a way that it’d sever my underwear, looking up at me with a fiery expression. And then she hurled the spear…
My briefs were sliced from the branch, and with a wail of distress, I plummeted towards the ground. I’d hoped I’d land on something soft, and the moss and dirt below me would’ve suited just fine. But, by sheer bad luck, another porcupine happened to be passing right below at the exact moment when I fell screaming from the tree…
CRUNCH-SHNNNKKK!
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHH!!!”
Mei gasped and her hands went to cover her mouth. “Max!” She yelled, startled.
The startled porcupine tugged itself free, vanishing into the scrub with a lot of its quills detached and lodged in my bottom. The bees, however, did not give up the chase… A few moments later, I was running off into the distance, trying to hold my pants up, screaming in terror as they continued to sting my pincushioned rear.
“YEEEEOOOOUUUCH! OW OW OWIE OWWWWCH! HEEEELLLP! AAAARRGH! THE PAAAAAIN!!!”
“Hang on, Max!” Mei yelled as she began to chase after me. “Just run for the temple! There should be water near there!”
Driven by sheer panic, unaware of the needles still lodged in my bottom, I ran as though my life depended on it. Unaware of where I was going, I continued running with the bees behind me, realizing to my dismay that they were tracking me because of one particular ingredient in Mei’s healing salve…
So caught up in my panic to escape the bees was I that I didn’t notice where I was going. Within seconds, I found myself running on air, my legs windmilling upon nothing!
“Oh no,” I mumbled in horror.
Then I plummeted, down, down, down into a raging river far below. I’m pretty sure the bees decided to give up at that point, no doubt realizing that the river was taking over for them.
“GAAAAAAAAAH!”
SPLOOSH!
Breaking the surface of the water, I gasped and spluttered, spitting out water, only to find myself in a very familiar situation… The rapids began to sweep me along, the shallow water causing me to bump my bottom against the river bottom… forcing those spines deeper into my buttocks. “AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Mei and Tlacotl were running along the river, in hopes of catching me. Mei was waving her hands and yelling.
“Grab a branch or a root! Try to pull yourself to the bank! We can get you if you can do it!”
“I’M TRYING! SOMEONE GET ME SOMETH-EEEEEEEK!”
I felt a large mouth full of small but very sharp teeth sinking into my left buttock at that point, breaking many of the porcupine quills and leaving the bits still in my flesh embedded. With a yell I was pulled under, a massive goonch catfish having apparently decided that my ass was a tasty treat.
Seeing no other recourse, Mei dove into the river, swimming toward me as fast as she could. But then a second goonch catfish emerged from the depths, and clamped its jaws upon her own butt cheek as well — with a yell of pain and outrage, she was dragged under and forced to fend the creature off.
We were almost out of the rapids, but not out of the woods just yet, so to speak. There was a lot of splashing as Mei struggled against her fishy foe, but ultimately she was able to free herself. I was far less lucky, especially with so many spines in my ass incapacitating me. It was lucky Mei was there or I’d have been in dire straits; while I yelled and struggled not to drown, she managed to grab her fish by the tail, swim towards me with it in tow, and then swing it with as much force as she could. This had the comical effect of hitting the fish that was clamped onto my bottom, causing it to release me and swim off with the other in pursuit. Thus freed, Mei then grabbed me around the waist and dragged me to the riverbank, where we emerged, coughing and spluttering.
“Max? Are you alright?” Mai asked me as she helped me lay down.
“No?” I mumbled, face-down with spines still lodged in a very uncomfortable place.
Then a snarl made both of us look up. Mei let out a small scream as she saw the tiger on the other side of the river…
“MAX! MEI!” Tlacotl yelled from nearby. “Get out of there, fast! It can jump a distance of thirty feet!”
“It’s okay!” I cried, even as Mei grabbed my wrist and tried to drag me off. “We’re twenty feet away from it! It’ll go right over us!”
“Max! Are you CRAZY!? That tiger will eat us alive! Let’s move! Or do I have to carry you!?” She yelled as she did her best to drag me away.
The tiger snarled, crouching in anticipation of a pounce. Before anyone could react, it had leaped, aiming precisely at my bottom with its huge clawed forepaws! At the last moment I closed my eyes; it didn’t help.
WHUMP!
“EEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
To our amazement, however, instead of tearing me to bits, it bounced off of me and then catapulted into the air again, pushing several more spines deeper into my ass with its back paws and tearing a few wounds into the skin as well. It arced through the air and landed lightly upon the ground ahead of us, before turning to snarl in our direction.
Tlacotl readied her spear to throw at the great cat, but it vanished a mere second later. Looking up at the direction it had gone, I blinked back the tears of agony from my wounded rump, and then my eyes went wide.
There it was, flanked by two massive stone tigers, surrounded by a massive, misty forest. The entrance to the temple complex, just a mile-long flight of steps away…
Mei knelt next to me. “Max. Allow me to patch you up and then we can head up to the temple.” She wiped away the tears from my eyes and smiled softly. “Let me take care of your wounds.”
“I’d definitely appreciate that,” I replied, before flopping onto the dirt in exhaustion.
Once all of the spines in my tortured bottom were gone, I couldn’t help but notice her blushing a little as she massaged my swollen backside. “How are you feeling, Max? Do you need anything right now? Perhaps some pain medicine from the medical kit you brought?”
“That’d be great,” I mumbled, before striking a dramatic pose… well, as close to one as I could, anyway. “But after that… It’s time to go up there and check out the Eye of the White Tiger!”
**********
The temple complex was as magnificent as it was mysterious. The courtyard was not too large, an expanse of lawn divided in half by a broad stone path, but the monastery itself was built into the side of the mountain. We could see a sloping cliff face rising up ahead of us, with a huge black pagoda roof at the top decorated with a pair of tiger-headed carp statues.
Mei waved her hand at the structure. “Here we are, the Monastery of the White Tiger. Are we ready to go inside? Watch your step, however — there are all sorts of nasty traps, in case of attempts to steal the Eye.”
I snorted in mild annoyance. “Well, I should’ve expected the inevitable. But just one question: this temple gets used a lot by worshippers, right?”
“Well yes, but only the ones that know the way through without setting off the traps. Otherwise, people worship from here.”
“They have traps?” Tlacotl’s expression was incredulous. “It’d be like rigging your kitchen to maim people!”
“I’ve done that before,” I admitted sheepishly. “Ever tried to keep a freshly made chicken fettuccine alfredo from a certain house-raider by the name of Warren Ridgeway?”
Tlacotl wisely decided to drop it. And just in time, too — we’d arrived at the front of the temple, with several doors resembling the mouths of animals. One in the middle was much larger than the two flanking either side, and shaped like that of a tiger; the others looked like the heads of a Chinese dragon on the left, and a phoenix on the right.
“So, which gateway do we enter?” asked Tlacotl.
I smiled confidently. “Simple. The one that has the motif of the animal sacred to this temple!”
Mei raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know about that, Max. You could try, but it could honestly be any of them.”
“Aw, don’t sweat it, ladies. What’s the worst that can happen?”
With that, I took a flashlight from my pocket, before switching it on and striding blithely into the tiger-mouth entrance.
The outside of the temple was silent for several long moments.
ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRR! “WHAT THE— AAAAAAAAAAAH!” RIP! SLASH! “AAAIIIIIYYYEEEEEEE!” CHOMP! SHRED! “NOT MY ASSSSSS!” GRAWWWWR! SHRIPPP! “EEEEEYYYOOOOOUUUUCH! OUCH OUCH OWWWW!”
Stumbling out of the gateway, my clothing in tatters and with a tiger sinking its teeth and claws into my shredded seat, I found myself facing two less-than-amused young women and a disconcerted yak.
“No… not the entrance…” I wheezed. “Just a chamber… full of tigers…”
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Max,” replied Mei, taking out her sword again to beat the tiger off of me. “Shoo! Go on!” After a tremendous ripping noise from my gnawed rump and a scream of pain from my mouth, she managed to get the tiger to go back to where it came from.
Tlacotl shook her head sadly, before getting an idea and taking a wooden stick from her bag. “Maybe I could help? If you can spare some rubbing alcohol, a bit of scrap clothing, and a lighter…”
A few moments later, Tlacotl took the lead with her makeshift torch, waving it in front of her while examining the dragon-head entrance.
“Be careful, Tlacotl. You do not know what is in that area of the temple. I do not want you or Max getting hurt anymore.”
“It’s okay. This is the way in, though we may have to be wary of the light beams coming from the ceiling. As long as we step around them, we should be fine.”
I rubbed my posterior nervously. “Lead the way, Tlacotl…”
After Mei instructed Bao to stay just outside the entrance, we made our way through the entrance and into the passageway, skirting around every single light beam we could… though of course, I was far less lucky. Almost as soon as we’d entered, my backpack swayed just a little too far to the left and ended up touching one of the light beams…
SHNNK!! “YEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWCH!”
A razor-sharp spike had shot up from the floor directly under me, spearing me between the buttocks before retracting back into its socket. With a whine of distress, I managed to limp forward, only to end up touching another beam of light…
POINK!! “AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!”
And another.
SHUNK!! “GYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!”
I don’t know what happened after that, but I must’ve taken an alternate route to one of the upper floors in my bid to escape the traps. I thought I was safe until the floor gave way under me, sending me toppling. I ended up hanging from the hole, my legs stuck in a plant root that had wound its way into the temple, so my ass was the lowest part of my body.
No doubt wondering where I was, the girls walked below me, oblivious to what had hapened.
“Hey, Tlacotl?” Mei looked at the tribal woman with a hopeless expression. “Does this happen ALL of the time? Is he always THIS clumsy?”
Tlacotl sighed, holding the torch up… and apparently failing to notice the black scorch mark spreading across my pants. “Like I said, cursed. You get used to it after a day or two.”
Then my horrible scream of “EEEEYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCH!” made both of them look up in alarm. The pain caused me to slip from my handholds, the root snapping as I fell directly onto another trapped floor space.
SHUNK!!!
“AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” I howled, yet another spike jabbing me in the bottom.
Once the girls had gotten me free and helped me out of the spike-trapped hallway, we found ourselves ascending a spiral staircase, which took us to the center of a massive rotunda. It was, mercifully, a hundred-percent trap-free.
“Oh Max, you poor thing…” Mei shook her head, glancing at my luckless, punctured rear.
“It’s an acquired taste, don’t worry,” I mumbled, rubbing my bottom. I was so glad I’d decided to buy a year’s worth of red briefs, because the back of my pants felt ever so slightly wet at this point and not in a good way.
We looked around for a few long moments. At the center of the room was a massive stone statue, shaped like a rearing tiger the size of an elephant with immense, protruding canine teeth like a saber-toothed cat and a cloud-like mane on its neck akin to a foo lion. Its mouth was turned skyward, and in between its front teeth was a glowing orange pearl, like a huge luminescent tiger eye gem with a spherical shape, that illuminated the windowless chamber. Four passageways branched off of the room in the four cardinal directions, with two statues flanking each, making four pairs of mythical creatures.
“Huh, these are the same creatures whose likenesses we saw outside. But the turtle’s a little new…”
“The Black Turtle, representing Winter, means that we would be heading North. The Azure Dragon of Spring means that is heading East, the Vermilion Bird denoting Summer is of the South, and the White Tiger is of the West and also represents the season of Autumn. We must choose a direction to go and hope that it is the right one.”
“From what I’ve read, the most worshippers come to the temple during the autumn equinox,” said Tlacotl. “Let’s check out the west route first, shall we?”
“Please,” I agreed.
As soon as we headed into the passageway, we quickly noticed a number of tiles on the floor which seemed like they were perfectly pressable. I shivered, remembering the last encounter with tiles like this.
“Maybe I should walk behind you guys this time?” I asked. “So I won’t step on anything, you know, dangerous?”
“Of course, Max. Why don’t I walk in front, you walk in the middle, and Tlacotl brings up the rear so that nothing comes up behind you and hurts you?”
“Sounds good to me.”
To my immense surprise and relief, we made it through the traps without any issue. But to our disappointment, the Eye of the White Tiger was nowhere to be seen. What greeted us at the end of the chamber, however, was far more dramatic.
There would have been a rope bridge across the rather deep pit before us, leading to the ledge on the other side with a massive glittering shrine, its gilded tiger statue standing proudly over a bejeweled incense burner. But the bridge had been broken, and now its two halves dangled on each side of the pit. More surprising still, there was a man hanging from one of the ropes attached to the far side of the pit, a horde of about a dozen angry tigers below him. They were jumping up and clawing at his bottom, for his legs were tangled in the other ropes making up the broken bridge, his knees to his chest and his arms over his head.
ROOOOAAAARRR! “AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” RIP! SNARLLL! “OOOOUUUCH!” GRAAWRR! SLASH! “HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEOOOOWWW!” SHRED! SCRATCH!“NONONOOOO! YEEOOOWWWCH!”
Mei let out a small scream. “What do we do!? That man is being attacked! Tlacotl! We have to do something! Anything!”
Tlacotl looked at Mei helplessly. “I don’t know how to get to the other side! What do you want me to do, get myself a pair of stilts?!”
“Wait, wait! That’s it!” I cried. “Hang on, girls! I’ll be right back!”
“HURRY UP AND MAKE IT QUICK!” The man yelled as he barely avoided another scratch.
I held up a finger towards the poor man on the other side of the pit, and then dashed out of the room. Of course, I activated every single spike trap on the way out, screaming “OUCH!” and “YEEOUUCH!” and other variants thereof every time.
The same thing happened on my way back in some ten minutes later, except with a long pair of stilts made from bamboo and tied together with pieces of rope. By the time I arrived back in the room, there were so many holes punched into the back of my briefs that they looked more like fishnet underwear. “Alright, let’s see if we can get across now!”
Mei pressed her palm to her forehead once again. “Max, this is a very stupid idea. If you step into that pit, it will not end well for you, at all.”
“Mei, he needs help.” The look I gave her was steely and full of determination. “Don’t you worry, I’ll be back before you know it!”
“Fine, but with that curse of yours, you are going to end up hurt.”
“Well, you know what they say. Better me than you guys!”
With that, I ran towards the edge of the pit, tilting the stilts in, before mounting them and starting to cross.
The tigers instantly began leaping up, trying to get at me, but I’d calculated the length of the stilts so my butt was safely out of the way. I made my way as carefully as I could across the pit, towards the poor sod who’d dared to provoke the tigers. I paused at one point to wonder how the bridge could possibly have broken in the middle, but decided not to think about that for now. Had I looked up and noticed the crude stone ax lodged in the wall of the temple…
Eventually, I reached the other side of the pit. Once I got within range, I called down to the other man. “Take my hand if you want to live!”
“TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, WANKER!” The man cried, before reaching up and grabbing my hand.
It was only when I pulled him up towards me when I finally saw a very familiar head of long blonde hair, and realized who it was.
“You,” I all but hissed.
“You,” Agent Dan Nile growled back.
“Can we just focus on getting out of here alive? Then we can try and kill each other later.”
“Fine. Lead the way,” Nile grumbled, before adding some incomprehensible words under his breath.
I was about to make a snappy retort, when I suddenly felt my stilts begin to wobble, the sounds of bamboo being cut apart reaching our ears as well. We both looked down, and our eyes went wide with horror. To this day I’m still not sure where those tigers got about half a dozen handsaws, but that didn’t matter.
“RUN!” I cried, before turning and following my own advice. As I skedaddled back from whence I’d come, with Nile riding on my back, I could see myself descending lower and lower, a piece of bamboo stilt being removed with each step.
I don’t think I need to explain what happened when we got low enough for the tigers to reach us.
RROOOAAR! RIIIP! “YEAAARRGHHH!” SNARL! SNAP! SHRED! “NOOOYEEOOOWWW!” SHHRIIIP! GROOOWL! “HEEELP!”
By the time we reached the edge of the chasm, we had all but lost our clothing, with dozens of scratches all over our bodies and our butts a shade of brilliant crimson. The moment we clambered back over the ledge, we collapsed in exhaustion, two very unhappy girls looming over us.
“I knew that was never going to work,” Mei groaned and shook her head.
Tlacotl’s eyes widened, and then narrowed, before she cursed in her native tongue. “What is he— what are you doing here?!”
“Oh you know, just strolling through a temple. I’m not trying to steal anything to sell on the black market or whatever.”
Tlacotl slapped her own forehead. “This is going to be a sick running gag, I just know it.”
“So, you know this man then?” Mei asked.
“We met him on our first adventure together,” I replied. “Never thought he’d show up here, too.”
“Of course I would be here! Ancient artifacts mean millions of dollars!” Nile retorted.
I glared at Nile. “Even if they get you cursed, maimed, and in trouble with the law?” I asked sardonically. “It’s probably a blessing that the bridge broke before you could get to that shrine.”
“I… don’t think the bridge broke by itself…” said Tlacotl, pointing at the aforementioned axe in the wall.
We all looked. My eyes widened before I asked, “Where did they get one of those?”
“Those tigers are much smarter than we thought,” Mei said.
Tlacotl shivered in place. “Or maybe… Maybe they were being taught to do that.”
“By what?” I asked nervously.
“Something we shouldn’t mess with.”
The mystery of what that something was would had to wait, though. We made it back to the rotunda without too much trouble, though Nile and I both had to get our clothes changed. The Eye of the White Tiger definitely wasn’t in the west corridor, so that left the other three.
“So…” I asked. “Do you ladies want to check out the north hall, while Nile goes for the south and I take the east?”
“Is it a good idea to split up, especially with him going alone?” Mei asked, pointing at Nile.
“Hey, if he gets the Eye and escapes, we can find him, kick his ass, and get the Eye back after.” I shrugged. “At least we’ll know he’d have it if that happens!”
“If I get the Eye, then I will be long gone before any of you can find me,” Nile said with a smirk.
“Don’t get your hopes up. I’m fuckin’ immortal, bro. I’ve got all the time in the world to find you!”
“Let’s just get going,” muttered Tlacotl. “We haven’t got all day.”
With that, I headed off to the eastern corridor, which was apparently sealed off from the center rotunda by a wooden grate that I had to open with a winch in the wall. This one was relatively uneventful, with no traps to be seen. However, once I got to the end, I found myself in a smaller rotunda, with a bunch of tunnels faced with wooden grates lining the walls, all of which led to the outside if the smell of fresh air was any indicator.
“Hello?” I called out to nobody in particular. “Here, artifacty artifacty! Come on out and play!”
Then a huge cacophony of padding footsteps reached my ears. With a yell of terror, I fully expected a horde of tigers to fill the room with me still in it, but then I heard all the wooden grates rattling. Tigers filled the passageways beyond, reaching through the bars and failing to grab me.
“Serves you right, you pussies!” I laughed. “Now, which one of you knows where the Eye is?”
The tigers all stopped, looked amongst each other, and then burst out into grunting and chuffing noises that I could only assume were laughter.
I dragged my fingers down my face with a groan. “Unbelievable. I actually asked the tigers, and yet they’re nowhere near smart enough to know of its location…”
One of the tigers suddenly noticed something. It let out a growl of distaste, before holding up a long stick in its paw; it then poked it through the grate in front of it and used it to flip a switch in the wall I didn’t even notice was there.
I was so caught up in my fuming, complaining, and generally feeling annoyed that I didn’t even notice the grates opening. Suddenly I found myself surrounded by snarling tigers, more than a few of which were licking their chops at me.
“For the love of — can you idiots keep it down?!” I cried, before slapping one of the cats in the face. “I’m trying to figure out where the fuck the Eye of… the White… Tiger… is…”
Apparently, I had spoken way too soon.
By the time I reached the rotunda, another horde of angry tigers behind me, my clothing was once again in tatters. Frantically, I tried to lower the grate with the winch in the wall, but I only got it a third of the way down before I felt claws snag my leg and found myself being dragged under the grate!
ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRR! “AIIIIIEEEEEEE!” RIP! SHRED! “WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TIGERS?!” SNARL! CHOMP! “YEEEAAAAARRRGGGH!” SLASH! CRUNCH! “EEEYOOOOUCH! WHAT DID MY BUTT EVER DO TO YOUUUU?!”
I’d barely managed to shut the grate at last, the tigers deciding to make themselves scarce, by the time the others returned. Tlacotl was looking extremely sour, her bottom still smoking, while Mei had not one scratch on her. Nile, on the other hand, had no seat left on his pants and his arse was an extremely bright, painful red.
I glowered at the other two. “No luck either, huh?”
“Nope, just a trapdoor leading down to a pool of lava,” replied Tlacotl, glaring at Mei. “Or two. Or a dozen.”
“Hey, I tried to help you but you kept ignoring my advice,” Mei replied as she crossed her arms. “You never even thanked me for tying you to a safety rope for that exact reason.”
“Oi, at least you got it lucky!” retorted Nile. “Bloody snapping turtles. It had to be snapping turtles!” He glowered and rubbed his sore bum.
“Technically, those were probably Chinese soft-shell turtles,” grumbled Tlacotl. “Not that you were smart enough to know that…”
“You mean lava is safer than turtles?!” I asked, incredulous.
Tlacotl raised her hands in a gesture to stop us. “Guys, guys! Look. We only have a short time before sundown, and I do not wish to be caught out in the dark. So, none of the corridors have turned up anything, right? Does that mean the Eye is even here, or should we check somewhere else for it?”
Mei pondered this information, and then stood up a little straighter. “Wait. The corridors are all important. It’s a puzzle of sorts, but one we may have gotten all wrong. None of the corridors lead to anywhere important, right?”
My eyebrows raised as I suddenly caught onto what she had just said. “Good, good. Keep going…”
“Well, the Eye will most likely be placed in the most significant place in this temple. So if all the corridors are equally hazardous, it would make no sense to prioritize any one of them.”
“And your point?” asked Tlacotl.
“There is a fifth symbol in the cosmology of my country, Huanglong the Golden Dragon. It does not represent any direction at all, and for good reason. The most important direction isn’t a direction at all, but a place. It’s the center.”
Every eye fell upon the young monk. And then we all looked up, and realized that the room was being lit by a gigantic, luminescent pearl in the mouth of the enormous tiger statue before us.
“So… So that’s it up there?” asked Nile. “That’s this bloody Eye you’ve all been goin’ on about?”
“Well, one way to find out…” I said, cracking my knuckles. “I’m sure I’ve got a grappling hook in my bag somewhere…”
Mei gasped in horrified realization. “That is not a good idea, Max. That is a really, really stupid idea!”
“Relax, Mei. I’ve done plenty of stupid ideas before, this shouldn’t be a problem!”
With this, I threw the grappling hook up and over the statue, hooking it onto its back. Then I started climbing up the statue, making my way towards the pearl. Once I was at the top, I grabbed it and tugged as much as I could…
…causing it to pop out of its mouth, sending me toppling off the statue, and directly onto Nile, who had come up below with the intent of climbing up after me.
“OOF!” we both cried as we crumpled to the ground.
I sat up, holding the glowing orange jewel in my fingers. “The Eye of the White Tiger…” I breathed in awe. “I honestly expected it to be a little more… extravagant.”
Mei rolled her eyes. “That artifact is more extravagant than you think, Max.”
I was about to ask why, but then Nile, filled with determination, tried to grab the Eye. “It’s mine!”
“What the — HEY!” I struggled to keep the Eye away from his fingers, and next moment, the two of us were tearing at each other in a violent scuffle.
Mei screamed in alarm, before rushing to my aid, trying to pull Nile off of me. “Max! He cannot get the Eye!”
“Do you think I don’t already know that?!” I cried, attempting to kick the evil agent in the face. He responded by reaching for the back of my pants and… well, you can guess the rest.
YOINK!
“YEEEAAAAARRRRRRGH!”
Nile laughed triumphantly as he pulled my underwear above my head, my toes coming off of the ground.“What were you trying to do, you unfortunately clumsy little punk? Drop the Eye and I’ll drop you.”
“Not a chance!” I snarled, holding the jewel tight against my chest. I tried to sound formidable, but the cotton sinking between my lower cheeks made my voice unusually high pitched.
Nile pulled my underwear even harder. “Now, wanker!”
Still yelping and sobbing in pain, I looked to Tlacotl for help, but she wasn’t looking at us, but in the direction of the statue with a panicked expression. Little did any of us but her know that it's surface was beginning to crack and crumble, revealing fur underneath…
I was about to inquire what Tlacotl was worried about, but then Mei ran over to me. “Put him down!” Mei yelled, kicking Nile in between the legs as hard as she could.
Nile squealed and let me go as he crumpled to the floor. “OOOooooo…” He managed to moan out.
It worked; my underwear snapped back into place, and I landed back on my feet, struggling to remain standing. But then Nile lunged at me, tackling me to the floor. The two of us tumbled around the room for a few moments, throwing punches at each other and trying to get our hands on the Eye. In the process it rolled out of my fingers and onto the floor.
With a yell, I lunged for it, but Nile reeled his foot back and kicked the eye as far as he could across the room.
“Max, catch!” I heard one of the girls yell. With a startled yell, I looked up; Mei was able to get a hold of the jewel and threw it to me. I managed to catch it just in time, Nile shouting in frustration ahead of me.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t factored in the force of inertia from the gem coming at me at such a speed.
Staggering backwards, I lost my balance and fell over… unaware that yet another porcupine, which had apparently wandered in from the eastern passageway a while ago, was right behind me…
CRUNCH-SHNNNKKK!
“YYYEEEEOOOOOOWWWWCH!! OOOOWWW! NOT AGAIN!!! OOOOUUUCH!”
Screaming like a little girl on helium, I scrambled to my feet, once again getting dozens of spines embedded in my bottom cheeks. Such was the intensity of the pain that I didn’t notice the sounds of brawling at first, until I heard a scream from Mei. Looking up and blinking back tears, I gasped in horror, for while I wasn’t looking, Nile had grabbed Mei and put his gun to her head!
“Give me the Eye or the girl’s brains end up on the floor!” he spat.
“Never!” I cried, yelping as I pulled spines out of my bottom with one hand and held the gem to my chest with the other.
Mei growled and tried to fight. She kicked and tried to break free of Nile’s grip. “Insolent man! You do not know who you are dealing with! Let me go!”
“Uh… guys?” asked Tlacotl.
“What are you doing?!” I cried. “You’re not even helping us!”
She rolled her eyes at me, and then casually threw her spear…
SHUNK!
“YYYEEEOOOOUUUUUCH!!”
The spear had nailed Nile’s right in the middle of his bottom. He released both Mei and his gun and bounced around, holding his speared bum. “OUCH! OUCH! OOOUUUCH!” He yelled as he tried to pull the spear out.
Mei wasted no time. She wiggled out of his grip and kicked Nile in the balls again; for the second time that day, Nile went cross-eyed and sank to the floor, curled up into a ball with the spear still sticking out of his ass.
“That is what you get when you mess with me.” Mei looked over at Tlacotl. “Thank you. You saved me. I really appreciate it. …Tlacotl? Uh…”
That was when we realized that Tlacotl had apparently seen something that we had not. That, and she was now backing away from the center of the room.
“MaaaaAAAAX?!” she cried.
“Oh come on, what now?!” I cried, pulling the last of the porcupine quills from my bottom and tossing it aside.
“I think… I think you’ve just angered the White Tiger statue!”
In retrospect, I really should’ve taken the hint when I noticed Mei and Nile also backing away from the middle of the room. As it was, though, I looked at Tlacotl incredulously. “How could you possibly anger a statue?! It’s not even alive!”
“I didn’t think you could either, and, well, here we are…”
“What exactly did I do?”
Mei rolled her eyes and counted on her fingers. “Well, you set off every single trap here in the temple, you engaged in violence inside the temple, you’re wearing inappropriate clothing inside the temple… oh, and did I mention stealing the Eye of the White Tiger?”
“What could possibly count as inappropriate clothing, anyway?! Wearing my cap like this?” I turned my cap around… and then something behind me took it off, and put it back on my head, upside down.
Mei turned pale. “Not like that. Like that!”
Finally, I heard the ominous growling behind me. Slowly, I turned around…
RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
An elephant-sized tiger, with snow-white fur and pitch-black stripes, enormously elongated fangs, and a cloud-like mane of shimmering silver, had nearly blown me backwards with its signature vocalization, sending my famous red baseball cap skidding across the floor.
As you can imagine, screaming ensued. Mostly from me.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” My scream was so high-pitched that it could’ve shattered glass. I turned and ran, only for the tiger to leap across the room and land right on top of me…
ROOOAAARR! “AAAARRRRRGGGHHH!” RIIIIP! CHOMP! “OOOWWWCH!” SLASH! CRASH! “YYEEAAAAUUUURRGH!” GROOOOWL! SNAP SNAP! “OOOOOUUUCH!” TEAR! CRUNCH! “NOOO! LEAVE ME ALOOOONNNEEEYOOOOWWW!”
“Max!” Mei screamed, trying to get to me, but was unsure of how to get past the giant tiger.
Then something rolled past us, and the tiger seemed to follow, leaving me a mangled heap on the ground, my face a bit swollen with a black eye and my slashed and chewed on ass yet again a fiery red.
“Are you alright, Max?!” cried Tlacotl.
“No,” I mumbled weakly.
“Give him the jewel! It won't stop until you do, Max!” Mei cried out to me.
“ARE YOU CRAZY?!” I screamed, springing to my feet. “Giving it to that beast won’t stop it! I’M RUNNING FOR MY LIIIIFE!”
“NOOOOOOOOO!!” the girls shrieked, clinging to each other and huddling on the ground. Then the White Tiger leaped over them and fell upon me once more.
RRRAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR! “EEEEEYYAAAAAAAHHHH!” SNAP! SHRED! “AAIIIEEEEEE!” CRUNCH! RIP! “OOOOWWWCH! OWIE! OWWW!” SNARL! SHRIPP! “PLEASE NOOOO!”
The tiger once again stalked off, leaving me in an even worse state than before.
“Don't run! It hates that!” cried Mei.
“Th-thanks for the advice,” I mumbled vacantly, somehow managing to stand even with my legs feeling like jelly. “I guess I’ll just limp outta here, then.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” the girls screamed, even louder than before. I had barely taken even one step when the tiger once again sprang, sinking it's fangs into both of my buttocks at once.
GRAAAAWWWRRRGH! CHOMP! “AAAAIIIIIIIIIIGH!” TEAR! CRUNCH! “YIIIIIIEEEEEEOOOWWWWW!” SMASH! RIP RIP! “BAD KITTYYIIIIEEEEEEE!” SLICE! SHRIPP! “EEEEYYYYOOOOOUUUUCH!”
The tiger stalked off in a huff, leaving me crumpled on the floor, my poor ass now ugly purple with too many bites and scratches to count.
“It hates limping more than running!” Mei yelled to me.
“Duly… noted…” I wheezed. “How do I—”
And then the tiger pounced at me again.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! “EEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!” SLASH! CRUNCH! “OWIE OW OWWWWW!” SHRIP! TEAR! “AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!” RIP RIP! CRASH! “MY BOTTOOOOOOMMMM!!!”
Yet again, the tiger padded off with a clearly exasperated look on its face.
“What did I do that time?!” I groaned, my voice sounding like a death rattle.
“I have no gods-damned clue!” cried Tlacotl. “Maybe it just doesn’t like you!”
I managed, somehow, to sit up despite my heavily mauled state. And then I noticed what was missing. “Oh gods! Where’s the Eye?!”
The girls looked around. “Hey! For the love of— Where’s Nile?!” cried Mei.
The White Tiger paused, turning back to face me. I flinched and braced myself for yet another maiming, but then it green eyes widened as it saw my empty arms. It looked at the girls, who shrugged as well. And finally it saw who was missing, finding only a red-tipped spear lying on the ground.
The roar of fury nearly blew out all of our eardrums.
Next moment, the tiger had leaped up and, with an enormous CRASH, broke through the roof of the rotunda like a sheet of toilet paper, revealing an open sky above. And then it was gone.
“That… that isn’t good,” said Mei, her eyes wide with fear.
I looked up at the skylight, and it dawned on me. “No sense worrying about that, though. It’s out of our hands now.”
With that, I keeled over in exhaustion.
**********
Meanwhile, Nile was currently running out of the temple, the Eye of the White Tiger clutched in his hands. Pausing for breath in the courtyard, he laughed triumphantly and looked down at the gem. “I’m rich! I’m rich, and he’s stuck in there with that feline! AHAHAHAHAHAHA, suck it, Gluteus!”
He turned back to face the temple, taunting it. “You lost and I won, and we bloody well… know… it…”
He had only now noticed the massive hole in the roof. And more importantly, the giant white tiger standing above it.
Nile gulped and began to sweat a little. The two words that exited his mouth next said it all.
“Oh, no…”
The White Tiger roared, the sound carrying for miles. And then a chorus of roars greeted it as dozens of angry tigers poured out of the tiger mouth gate, some with crude stone and wood axes in their jaws and others carrying handsaws.
The agent backed up slowly, keeping his eyes on the White Tiger as he did so. He should have looked where he was going, but he was too preoccupied by the oncoming tiger army to look behind him.
That is, until — POINK!! — he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his buttocks.
“YYYEEEEOOOOWWWWCH!”
Nile screamed in pain and held his punctured bottom, still speared on Bao’s long horns. The yak flicked his head and sent him sailing in an arc across the courtyard… towards yet a fourth porcupine, which had entered through a hole in the wall of the complex.
“NONONO! NNNOOOOOOOYYYEEEEOOOOOWWWW!”
Nile leapt high into the air like a rocket, holding his pincushioned arse, only to once again land on the porcupine, which had moved just a little to the left… the same direction he had gone when he leaped.
SHHNNKK!!
“YYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCCHHHH!” Nile yelled as he leapt sky-high once again.
Poor Nile was heading for the ground this time, with nothing to protect his ass from further damage. He landed hard on the ground with a THUMP-SHHNNK!! His eyes watered and his face contorted into a pained expression.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!”
Kicking and flailing upon the ground, Nile shrieked in pain and managed to get to his knees. He held his abused bottom with one hand, the spines having been driven even deeper into his flesh by the landing.
With a whine of pure agony, he got to his feet shakily. He bent over a little and looked behind him to inspect the damage. “Ooooowwwwch! My arse!”
And then he was dogpiled by enough tigers to fill all the zoos in all fifty of the United States, along with a swarm of angry Himalayan honeybees.
RRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!! BZZZZZZZZZZ!! “NOOOOO!” SLASH! STING! CRUNCH! “OOOOWWW!” GROOOWWWLL! BZZIP! SNAP! SHRED! “NOT THE BEEEEES! AAAAUUUUURRRRGGGGHHH!!” RIIIP! SHNK! SLICE! RRRAAAWWWWRRRR! “NOOO! BAD KITTIES! STAY AWAYYYUUEEEEOOOOWWWW! NOT THEEEEEERE!!”
Nile screamed nonstop in terror and agony as he tried to fight the tigers and bees off, but it was of no use. His clothing was gone within seconds, and if it hadn’t been for his drink from the Fountain of Youth, that would’ve been the end of him.
Alas, that was not to be. After several minutes of being mauled and stung to high heaven, Nile finally managed to get away from all the animals and stumble out of the temple complex, only to feel the earth tremble beneath him as a great stampede began to form, drawn by the power of the Eye, every creature in the area closing in on him — not just the tigers and bees but also several markhor goats, a snow leopard, a Himalayan brown bear, a couple of musk deer, a masked palm civet, a troop of Nepal gray langurs, and even a yeti and a Chinese dragon to top it off.
With a final reverberating scream of terror, Agent Nile ran, or rather limped, as fast as he could away from the temple, with all the animals in hot pursuit. And amidst all the chaos could be heard the White Tiger’s roars of fury, for it was clearly leading the assembled army of angry animals as they pursued him off into the wild, only one goal on its mind: recovering its precious jewel… even if it had to maul the man who had stolen it to pieces to get it back.
**********
All was peaceful and quiet in the Monastery of the White Tiger. Taking care to avoid any of the booby-traps, Mei held onto me as we made our way out of the entrance; she had retrieved my hat and put it back on my head beforehand, but it was still a bit askew.
“Max? How are you feeling? Any better? We need to head back to my village unless you want to take a day to recover some of your strength.” To the surprise of nobody, Mei was all over me, constantly worrying about my state. And this time, Tlacotl had no complaints about that.
“I’d definitely appreciate that,” I replied, smiling weakly. “Thank you, Mei. You… you saved my life. And I owe you for it.”
“You owe me nothing, Max. You are my friend and I will do anything for my friends.”
“I guess I should thank you as well,” said Tlacotl. “For looking out for us. I… I’m sorry for getting angry back there. I was out of my depth and not exactly happy to be so far from home.”
“It’s alright. I’m sorry too, Tlacotl. I wasn’t exactly being the nicest either. Thank you for saving me, by the way, you know, from Nile.”
“I saw an opportunity, and I seized it.” She smiled and tapped the butt of her spear on the ground. “So, no hard feelings?”
“No hard feelings.” Mei smiled brightly. And we couldn’t help but smile back.
We stopped on one of the plateaus along our path, admiring the beautiful misty forested landscape below us.
“Beautiful, huh?” I asked. “It’s amazing how much I missed when I was younger. That’s the great thing about being an adventurer… So many opportunities to explore the best places in the world.”
There was silence for a long time, the three of us taking in the sight before us. And then Mei spoke up.
“Hey, Max? Tell me more about your city and your school. I want to know more and if I like what I hear then maybe I can come with you back to the United States?”
Tlacotl looked at her in surprise. “You mean… You’re planning to transfer to the university?”
“I’m thinking about it. I need to know what all of that entails and if I get to see you guys every day? I wouldn’t know anyone there so I would be alone.”
“Well… I teach in the archaeology department,” I said, a gentle smile on my face. “I think the history curriculum at our university does have a few courses I teach listed, so I’m sure we’ll be able to see each other regularly.”
“Ah so I could be taught by you? Well count me in, if that’s the case.” She blushed a little and giggled.
“Welcome to the team, Mei!” Tlacotl smiled and patted her new friend on the back. “Or as we say in Nahuatl, Noehecatlapalqui coamichtenqui!”
“Umm...sorry, what?” Mei looked at her, confused.
“Oh, nothing.”
“Right. Anyway, Max. Do you need anything? Shall I treat your wounds? Again…”
“Sure, that’d be great.” I smiled, my eyes half-lidded. “But first…”
“Yes?” Mei looked at him, expectantly.
I smirked and grabbed Mei around the waist, pulling her into a deep and passionate kiss. I could feel her practically melt into me as she kissed back. She wrapped her arms around my neck and deepened the kiss. The kiss lasted for about a minute, and when we pulled apart, I could see that she was blushing a bright red. She bit her lip cutely and looked down, giggling a little. I had a slight blush on my cheeks and I could tell it was getting brighter as I continued to stare at her.
“You… You’re okay with this, right?” I asked, madly blushing myself at what I’d just done.
Mei looked up at me and smiled shyly. “Wow… Yes. I am.”
Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, I happened to be standing a little too close to the edge of the cliff…
CRACK!
“Uh-oh…”
“Damnit, Max…” mumbled Mei.
And then the cliff gave way under me.
“WAAAAAAAaaaaahhh…!”
I only barely heard Mei shout “Damnit, and this is why we can’t have nice things, Max!” before I plummeted down the cliff.
“Welcome to my world,” Tlacotl laughed, patting Mei’s shoulder.
As for me, I ended up landing on the steep, rough-textured slope of the cliff, bouncing on my butt a few times before feeling a sharp rock ripping the seat open. “OW OW OW OWW!” And then I felt my briefs give way, riding up and in between my cheeks which, now bare, began scraping against the rock as I continued sliding. “AIIIIEEEEEEEEE!”
Continuing to slide down the cliff, I screamed in horror as I saw a viciously spiny hedge of Rubus ellipticus, or golden himalayan raspberry bushes, dead ahead of me — the same plants I’d fallen into much earlier.
“OH NOOOOO!” I wailed, but destiny ignored me. As usual.
My bottom slammed hard into the bush, my velocity continuing unabated as the thorns tore into my legwear. “YYYYEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUCCHH!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, my eyes watering from the pain in my backside.
RIP! SHRIPP! POINK POINK! CRINCH!
“OWIIIEEEEEEE! OH NONONONOOOO!”
A few moments later, I slid clear out of the vile stickers, and sat up, wincing in agony. Except that after a few moments of feeling what I thought was the ground with my hand, I realized that I was actually floating in mid-air!
“Eep!” I whimpered, before plummeting once more.
Luckily, the drop was just a dozen feet or so. Unluckily, there was an entire field of sharp rocks below me, looking like a field of razor-sharp spikes! With gravity taking hold and no handholds in sight, I couldn’t slow or stop my descent. Screaming in terror, I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable to happen.
SHNNNK!
“YYYEEEOOOOOUUUUCH!”
POINK!!
“OUCH OUCH OUUUUUUUUCH!!”
SHUNK!
“YYYEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!”
This continued for a few more agonizing seconds, and I yelled in pain all the while as I bounced across the sharp spiky rocks. My immortality was preventing me from being impaled but at the same time causing me to leap sky-high with each landing! “AIEEEEEEEEEE!”
Soaring up into the air one final time, I found myself sailing towards a Himalayan wild pear tree growing on the edge of yet another cliff, with branches studded with very sharp thorns. “OH NONONONONONOOOOOOO—”
WHUNK-SHNNK!
I’d landed on the branch with one leg on each side of the branch, the huge thorns spearing through my pants and into my testicles and taint. The pain was excruciating. My eyes widened and watered, tears soon falling down my cheeks. I was in too much pain to scream. All that came out of my mouth was a small squeal.
“Yeeeeeee…”
I rolled off of the branch, paralyzed from the sheer agony, too stunned to hear or feel the thorns being yanked out or my clothing being shredded. My body slid down the steep slope, more sharp rocks and gravel scraping against my bottom and crotch. Eventually, the rolling stopped and I could finally breathe again, sobbing in anguish and misery.
Something felt wrong, though. I looked down and noticed that I was floating in mid-air again, and my eyes, once again, widened in horror. Luckily it was only a couple of feet ‘till I’d hit the ground, but unluckily… well, let’s just say that at that instant, I silently wondered how all those porcupines kept finding my poor, abused bottom.
And then, of course, gravity took over.
CRUNCH-SHNNNKKK!
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHH!!!”
It was ten long, agonizing minutes before the time the girls found me again, my bottom in the air with the poor creature still stuck, its legs wiggling about uselessly.
“Uh…” Tlacotl’s mouth would’ve hit the floor if she were as cartoony as me. “Would asking if you’re okay be a dumb question?”
Mei did her best to hold in a laugh. “Again, Max, this is why we can’t have nice things. This is getting to be too much.”
All the same, I slowly raised a trembling hand in a thumbs-up. “Worth… it… though…”
Mei couldn’t hold in her laughter any longer, and neither could Tlacotl. Both girls collapsed into giggles, and even I couldn’t help but smile despite my incredible pain.
After Mei calmed down, she stepped forward and gently pulled the porcupine off, or at least got it to dislodge its quills, before releasing it back into the wild. “Okay, Max. Let’s get back to my village and we’ll get you taken care of. Think you can walk the rest of the way or do you want to ride on Bao?”
“Yak is fine,” I mumbled.
Mei smiled softly and got on Bao. She gently pulled me up and helped me lay across her lap. “Tlacotl, there’s enough room to sit behind me, so we all ride on Bao. You know, if you want to?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” the tribal girl replied, grinning. “I just can’t wait to get back to the university. At least it’d be warmer!”
“And hopefully one-hundred-percent tiger-free,” I moaned. Naturally, that got another laugh from everyone else.
The ride back to the village was thankfully uneventful, a welcome change from the onslaught of tigers and nasty falls and evil secret agents that had been plaguing us since forever, or at least the last few days. Mei said nothing more for the rest of the trip, but maybe that’s because she was busy despining me as we rode off into the sunset, towards our next adventure.
POINK! “YEEEEOOOWWWWW!” POINK! “OWWWCHIIIIEEEEEE!” POINK! “AAAAARRRRGH!” POINK! “EEEEYYYOOOOOUUUUCH…!”
**********
Despite the supposed loss of the sacred artifact, our trip to the Monastery of the White Tiger was a resounding success. In fact, good luck had balanced bad — although the jewel being removed was admittedly my fault, it was in fact Agent Nile whom the villagers had seen leaving the temple complex with the jewel, meaning that all the blame for its theft was put on him. And so it was that Nile added yet another entry to the long list of countries that considered him an enemy. No surprise there, but knowing him, I had a feeling he was going to keep coming back to menace me and my friends for a long time to come.
Mei, meanwhile, enrolled in the university a few weeks after we returned home, with a focus on a degree in Chinese history. It was only natural for her to take a few classes with me, and our relationship only blossomed as we got to know each other more and more. Her monastery fully supported her enrollment, and I had a feeling that she’d have a bright future as a historian. Plus, she and Tlacotl were becoming fast friends with each other as well as me, and I was happy to know that they both promised to come with me on my next assignment, wherever it took us.
And as for the Eye of the White Tiger? Through means unknown to science, it and its statue reappeared in their original location in the Monastery of the White Tiger mere days after our departure. Needless to say, it’s since been placed under maximum security to keep anyone else from taking it. Nowadays, tourists and worshippers alike flock to the temple every autumn to see this incredible artifact… though they also seem to have paid a lot of attention to the massive hole in the roof of the rotunda its statue was placed in. Go check it out should you decide to visit — last I heard, it’s still there.
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